Real Madrid has basically kept the same roster from last year. Yes, Higuain has left. We will miss Pipita. However, the bigger movement happened on the sideline. Madrid pried Carlo Ancelotti from PSG. Thus, the story of this season is this: can the Italian coach get the best out of a still strong nucleus of talent? Can Real Madrid balance a fight against Barca in La Liga with the grueling demands of search for the Decima?

Some folks point to stats to make predictions. Others like to wax tactics. Here at Futfanatico, we prefer superstition, correlations, and random observations. Thus, our season preview of Real Madrid revolves entirely around explaining and deciphering the various eyebrow gestures of Carlo Ancelotti. Enjoy.

Carlo The Stoically Playful

All seasons start off like this for Carlo. Notice that his left eyebrow is roughly 1/8th an inch higher than the right eyebrow. His right eye is squinted, the lines on his face noticeable but not pronounced. Yes, Carlo does not wear his heart on his sleeve, but he sometimes leaks his emotions through the upper half of his face. This pose basically says: “I’ve gone to a major club with star players and anticipate doing quite well for myself.” “I am smirking on the inside but don’t want you to see the whole twinkle in my eye. Yet.”

Carlo The Quite Perplexed

No team can do undefeated in all competitions. Inevitably, Real Madrid will lose, whether it’s in La Liga, the Champions, or the Copa del Rey. Here, one notices the right eyebrow is about 1/16th of an inch higher than the left eyebrow. This is very very rare on Carlo’s face. He is used to winning and winning handily. We’ve seen it in the past, like his last spell at AC Milan when he was thinking “Why is Pippo Inzaghi no longer running the same 4.4 40 yard dash as when I started?” He even felt a twinge of doubt at Chelsea, his eyebrow conveying the message “Perhaps I misjudged Florent Malouda and he is not the next George Best after all.”

Carlo’s perplexed look should not startle Real fans. It will probably happen when Real loses to a lesser La Liga team after conceding goals from set pieces. He will be thinking “Pepe fouls nonstop during the run of play, how did he not grab and push somebody while defending a corner?”

Carlo the Cool Operator

The uneducated fan will confuse Carlo’s relaxed look with the glare of Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers films. They will be mistaken. Just as a Doberman’s smile resembles a growl, Carlo’s 1/4th inch raised left eyebrow and fully open eye indicate happiness, not a desire to pierce into the essence of your soul and melt it. This look will be a staple for the first month or so. The start of the season is kind to Real Madrid, unlike last year. They don’t face stiff competition during the early fixtures. Expect some 2-0 wins and plenty of Carlo eyeball action. We’ll see lots of this until mid-September and early October.

Carlo the Clearly Annoyed

Carlos is not always stoically playful, perplexed, or a cool operator. He sometimes gets ticked off by referee decisions, especially in Champions League. He’s not the type to shout or get red-carded, but just look at the brilliantly formed triangle hovering over his left eye. When you see the triangle, you know a penalty or an offside call has just gone against Madrid. When Madrid’s porous back line opens the door for a bad call and a draw in a Champions League group game at home, expect to see a huge “triangleyebrow” on Carlos’ forehead. Polish your binocular lenses and be ready around mid-October.

Carlo the Crouching Tiger

Do not confuse the “crouching tiger” look with the “annoyed” or “perplexed” expressions. With eyes wide open, Carlos raises both eyebrows by 1/8th an inch when he’s plotting something. Sometimes, Carlo sees his team’s offense stutter or a particular player fail to mentally or physically produce. He stalks the field with his eyes and glances in a darting fashion at the bench. He stealthily selects an option, and then, bam, in the 60th minute, he suddenly inserts a second striker or winger to open up the game. Who will be Real Madrid’s equivalent of Serginho, Carlo’s favorite late sub at AC Milan? My bet is on Isco or Di Maria.

When you see Real Madrid struggling during games, wait for the inevitable camera shots of the coach. If you see Carlo’s eyebrows and eyes as above, he sees what you see. Expect swift action at any moment.

Carlo the Dead Possum

Sometimes after a defeat, with neither a ref nor his players to blame, Carlo takes a page from the animal kingdom and plays possum at a presser. He will repeat journalists’ questions. He will answer questions with questions. He will compliment and agree with their assessment. He will mumble vaguely about the future. Beyond the words, his eyebrow and clearly wrinkled forehead will communicate a simple message: I am dead. There is no fresh meat here. Leave me alone.

I suspect he will make this face after Real likely lose to Barcleona at the Camp Nou, and any embarrassing defeats at home.

Carlo the Supremely Confident

Peacocks. Flamencos. Duckbill Platypuses. Nature offers some interesting species who truly strut their stuff when confident, but nothing compares with Carlo when his team is winning and winning handily. Look at how high that left eyebrow is raised! It almost hurts your face just thinking about it. Carlo’s eyes, of course, scream “I am so content that I am distracted by non-soccer matters while coaching this soccer team.” I’d love to get a peep inside his head during these moments. New designer suits? Cohiba cigars? You know his mind turns to the finer things in life, and who can blame him?

After the winter break, when Madrid is still in the hunt for La Liga, expect some seriously distracted Carlo glances during games. We may even get a yawn or two.

Carlo the Studied Teacher

Contrary to popular belief, Carlo does not always go “crouching tiger” when his team plays poorly. Rather, he’s known as a players’ coach and also a teacher, a guide, a sage. Sometimes he’ll pull a player aside to give instructions and positive feedback during a game. Other times, he’ll give a struggling player a hug or an arm-around-the-shoulder. When you see his eyebrows almost uniformly straight, you know that he sees the problem on the field, but genuinely believes he can help the players to improve.

If Madrid start off the season poorly, expect to see the ruler-eyebrow look a lot. It won’t be until October that Marca drives him totally crazy.

Carlo the Quite Coy

Ahh, the parabola-brow. A classic. This is very similar to the stoically playful and the cool operator, but reserved for special occasions. On the eve of a Champions League knockout game, expect Carlo to whip this out when asked about his starting lineup or any tactical variations. The eye says “you’re onto something” but the parabola-brow says “still, you’ll just have to wait and see what happens.” We may see this on the eve of the first La Liga clasico, but will definitely see it in the knockout stages of the Champions League.

Carlo the Furious Heathen from the Ninth Circle of Hell

Carlo is not all hugs and kisses. Sometimes he gets upset. Other times, he grows furious. Like the Death Star, he channels all his energy into a laser that shoots forth from his left eye. Unlike the Death Star’s hot hot laser, Carlo’s brow-bow launches an arrow that chills your very soul upon impact. If April rolls around with neither La Liga nor the decima within reach, pack a sweater for any press conferences or games. Carlo’s glare will shiver your bones.

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