@DrCarson73

In October, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told the media he wanted to play in the NFL for 10 more years.

This type of diehard rhetoric isn't new in professional sports, where all athletes believe they'll play forever until they can't. But Brady's remark stood out from the typical fight-against-mortality fare due to its magnitude and precision.

Ten years.

Every all-time-level NFL quarterback thinks he still has something left—a gallon or two in the tank, perhaps. But he doesn't put a date on it. He just tells the media he "feels good" and continues throwing touchdowns until that fateful day when Bobby McCray hits him so hard he explodes into a fine mist of Fun Dip powder.

After that, the gunslinger surrenders to time's ungentle suggestions and begins a new life throwing fade routes to wet golden retrievers and hawking copper-lined banana hammocks, or whatever.

That is the typical quarterback's life—a mold Tom Brady doesn't really fit.

Brady is an Ugg-wearing, Whole Foods dad. He goes down waterslides like a baby riding the Tower of Terror. When this whole football thing is over, Tom Brady will do ads for cologne that smells like a well-dressed minotaur, not jeans with a U-shape pattern.

This is all to say there's no preexisting script for Tom Brady, who is a weird and singular football player. And if there's any 38-year-old right now who looks like he break time's wheel and play this game for another decade, it's him.

In this spirit, I've gone ahead and imagined what life would be like for Brady nine years from now as he enters his 26th year in the NFL.

Let's meet Old Brady.

Old Brady will preserve his throwing arm in a custom hyperbaric hand chamber (full resolution graphic here):

@DrCarson73

This is a must.

A hyperbaric chamber will keep Old Brady's throwing arm fresh as he passes to the turnstile of mildly talented wide receivers who will come through New England over the next decade.

Also, hyperbaric chambers are expensive and more trouble than they're worth—vital traits of any purchase a man makes after 45.

The Patriots staff will keep a discreet "UroMarker" on the sideline should nature call Old Brady in the middle of the game (full resolution graphic here):

@DrCarson73

"The UroMarker comes with a towel and special reservoir, so it looks like you're just checking what down it is!"

I'm not judging Old Brady for this. Sometimes you have to pee in a hollow tube in public. That's just life.

Saturday practices will be held at the golf course for Old Brady's convenience (full resolution graphic here):

@DrCarson73

By 2024, Bill Belichick will have a "BillBot" android in charge of calling New England's plays and delivering canned statements to the press, so it won't matter to him if Tom wants to squeeze in nine while ironing out the new bubble screen package.

Old Brady will travel to games via midlife crisis camper, which he will live in for tax purposes (full resolution graphic here):

@DrCarson73

It happens to every man at some point.

Even Tom Brady is not immune to that weird kink in the male genetic makeup that whispers, "Live in something that has wheels," after he turns 46.



Picture the Madden Cruiser, but with less ham smell and more Green Day.

Lastly, Brady will defeat Cam Newton's successor to win his eighth and final Super Bowl (full resolution graphic here):

@DrCarson73

He's got a bright future ahead of him, but the kid who will become Cam Newton's mother's favorite player will make too many mistakes down the stretch to overcome Brady and an "underrated but stingy" New England defense in Super Bowl 60.

Sorry kid. Your arm just wasn't as loose as Brady's. Mostly because Brady's is now held together by wood glue and safety pins. But you get the idea.

And that's how it ends for Brady. He goes out with eight Super Bowl titles, some new gadgets and undisputed GOAT status among NFL quarterbacks.

He will retire as the greatest and travel the coast of Oregon in his camper with Gisele. His hair will be graying, and his Netflix queue will be rife with World War II documentaries. He will have hard opinions on income tax and make dinners uncomfortable by talking politics at the table.

Because he is Old Brady, and that's what he does.

Dan is on Twitter. He's excited to be old enough to yell at clouds.