Usually when this site profiles a dinosaur, it is because that dinosaur has some sort of really obvious plan to destroy mankind with a naturally evolved armory of some sort. Dilophosaurus is not that kind of threat. I have no idea what Dilophosaurus is up to. No one does.

Dilophosaurus is the wildcard of the theropod deck.

THE FACTS

Dilophosaurus did not have a wacky umbrella neck. Sorry.

It was 20 feet long, not poodle sized.

It had a weird double half moon crest on its head, probably used for looking cool.

It had a really weak jaw, because its nose was really big.

It probably chilled with friends.

And that’s about all science knows.

For awhile after it was discovered, people tried to guess what this weirdo was into. But since the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement wasn’t around yet in the 1940’s and 50’s, no one was trying very hard. Most of the dinosaur research in the 50’s was focused on which dinosaurs could most effectively sell cigarettes on The Flintstones. At one point, some scientists just figured that even though it didn’t look like it was very good at anything compared to the advanced theropods like Allosaurus and Tyrannosaurus, it was probably pretty okay for a Jurassic carnivore. Suitable for the Jurassic.

THEY CLEARLY WERE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE JURASSIC.

An animal who seems “pretty decent” for the Jurassic is an animal that is about to be stomped by a sauropod and thrown into the river to be devoured by plesiosaurs. You cannot evolve to be the Nissan of the Jurassic. There is no option to be a Batman Forever of dinosaurs. Being a dinosaur is a pass/fail course, except you have to evolve bowie knife hands instead of University of Phoenix credentials.

No, the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement understands that if you want to be a dinosaur, you have to figure out a way to out-murder every living thing in your biome (know thy enemy, know thy self). It wasn’t until Michael Crichton decided to point his imagination at dinosaurs that anyone actually tried thinking creatively about Dilophosaurus in Jurassic Park. He thought Dilophosaurus might have been a spitty, venomous sort of animal. Why not? It didn’t require any fossil evidence, and he had already pushed the limits of imagination in his novel by suggesting that children might have the ability to read.

That was when it started getting goofy, though. Steven Spielberg decided he wanted to play pretend about Dilophosaurus with Michael Crichton and Wayne Knight. It was a scenario similar to playing Cops and Robbers with the kid who never lets you win.

“Well IN MY FANTASY WORLD, Dilophosaurus had a crazy umbrella face and spat poison like 50 feet and could teleport into Jeeps!” -Steven Spielberg. Real quote.

But all the make believe in the world won’t solve this mystery, people. What’s with Dilophosaurus? Dilophosaurus’s nose was really big and bent at a silly angle that actually got in the way of where its jaws would have closed. Why? How does that evolve on a giant theropod? WHAT WAS IT DOING WITH ITS NOSE? Science? Anybody?

I don’t know. Send me a letter if you know. Or subscribe if you want to find out.