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Recently one of my dear daughters has started using the word “whatever” all the time. “I don’t care” also seems to be a new staple to her snarky vocabulary. This usually goes along with an eye roll.

While I know this behavior is common in girls, it is way outside of the norm for this particular daughter (although I would expect it from her sisters)! She has always had a sweet disposition and is a big-time people pleaser. Initially I tried to have patience and chalked it up to the nearing tween years, but then I spent some time with her new “best” friend at school one day. This little girl was adorable on the outside, but then she opened her mouth.

First she told me how she hated her new teacher because she yelled at her and my daughter for talking. Then she told me how she hated her mom because she wouldn’t let her stay up to 11 the night before. Then she informed me that one of the other little girls in the class wasn’t very smart. Then I got the play-by-play regarding how mad she was that she wasn’t allowed to watch a certain movie. And then she asked if she could come over for a playdate. Like, tomorrow.

When I told her that I wasn’t sure what our schedule was, and I would have to check with her mom, she responded with — and I quote — “Whatever, she won’t care.”

Ugh.

Nothing ruins my day more than when I feel like I don’t like a child. Children are innocent and defenseless. They are pure and wide-eyed, living in the moment believing that all things are possible. I believe kids should be showered with love and encouragement.

But this kid was bringing out the worst in me, sucking out my soul with her endless negative commentary about everyone and every thing in her life.

By the time my hour was up in the classroom I just wanted to say: “Listen you little punk, sit down and shut up!”

Thankfully, I only had one cup of coffee that morning and maintained my self control, but I did spend most of my afternoon thinking about how to approach my daughter’s new behavior that seemed to be eerily similar to her new friend’s personality.

“Should I tell my daughter she can’t be friends with this girl?”

Later that evening, I asked my daughter to practice her piano, something she normally does willingly. I asked her to go through all of her songs because we hadn’t practiced much due to our schedule that week.

Her response: “So. I don’t care,” she said with an attitude much bigger than her eight years.

Enter Mommy Dearest. You know that moment where you hit the threshold for one of your kid’s behavior? The crime may not be so bad, but your patience is gone. Yeah, I just hit it, and hard.

I lost it. I started yelling about not speaking to me that way, and maybe it was time for her not to spend so much time with her new friend. And then a phrase came to me:”You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”

I didn’t think I would have any luck telling my daughter she couldn’t be friends with this little girl, or complaining about her. My daughter liked her, they were classmates, and the other girl seemed pretty set on the friendship. I could try encouraging her to be friends with other girls, but I wasn’t sure if it would take…I didn’t think I could make her drink from that trough of water.I also thought if I started trying to control her friendships now, I was going to end up with sneaky behavior later.

Instead, I tried to use it as an opportunity to talk about the rules in our house and the type of person I thought my daughter was…one who didn’t get in trouble at school and spoke kindly to her family. We discussed what I thought made her special, and how I always loved how she made friends from being kind and sweet, not sarcastic and mean. And while her new friend may be allowed to speak like that, my guess was her parents and her teacher probably didn’t like it, as I sure knew I didn’t.

And then I did the unthinkable. I said, “Why don’t you invite her over for a playdate this weekend…I’ll e-mail her mom.”

Because if I can’t pick her friends, maybe I can try to get to know this girl a little better and learn to like her. Maybe by spending time with my daughter (and me), she’ll tone down her snarky-ness. And maybe, just maybe, this friendship can work. Because I know every little girl can use a friend.

But I drew the line when she asked if she could sleep over. Even I have my limits.

Whitney is a freelance writer and blogger at Playdates on Fridays, a blog inspired by her former Friday afternoon playgroup (for the kids of course!)———————————————————————————————————————————————————————

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