Obama Advisors Suggest Turning Middle East Off and On Again

Blue Rock Public Radio Blocked Unblock Follow Following Jan 5, 2016

After years of ongoing violence and instability in the region, exasperated advisors to President Obama are now recommending that the United States just try turning the entire Middle East off and on again. Government officials say that after years of failed attempts to fix the severely defective region, their best remaining guess is to just reboot the system and hope that somehow manages to fix things.

“We just don’t know what else to do at this point,” said Secretary of State John Kerry, who insisted that the growing tension between Iran and Saudi Arabia is merely the latest in a series of crises which prove the region cannot be fixed via any other means. “We’ve tried taking it apart and replacing some of the old, broken governments with newer versions, but it’s virtually impossible to repair such a highly integrated model where the governments rely so heavily on deprecated operating systems and antiquated code.”

He continued: “I tried calling tech support, too, but they just put me through to some guy in India whose only suggestion was nuking the Pakistanis.”

Although members of the administration insist that rebooting the Middle East is the best possible solution, they admit that the process may prove to be more difficult than it seems.

“It’s been a while since anybody backed things up, so we’ll likely lose all unsaved progress in the region,” said Secretary of Defense Ash Carter. “We’re hoping it’ll at least autosave a recent version of Israel, but if not, we’ll have to recreate democracy in the Middle East all over again because that’s our only copy.”

Obama says he intends to heed his advisors and restart the Middle East as soon as intelligence officials locate the off switch.