by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool



Which big names will be on teams that suck this year? Well, these guys. And if they don't, feel free to come find me at the end of the year and demand your money back. Finally, if you've already drafted them and are now bent out of shapre that I'm naming them... well, take solace in the fact that I'm An Idiot And You're Very Smart, Neener Neener. Let's get on to the bloodletting...



10. Stephen Jackson... with a twist. No, not the dreadlocked Rams RB and consensus top 5 pick, but the scrub with the same name who toils for the Chiefs practice squad. Early in August, many online auctions were enlivened by some jokester tossing out the Evil SJax out there, getting people who didn't check the merchandise well enough to pay through the nose for him, and then laughing themselves stupid as teams crippled themselves right at the start. Similar hijinks could be pulled with Adrian Peterson and Steve Smith, of course, but the Jackson Gambit earns special points of awfulness, in that this is the first year it has worked. If you are in a league with someone who did this, do not trade with that guy. If you are the guy that did it, my hat's off. And I'm backing away from you slowly, and never turning my back...



9. Willie Parker, RB, Pittsburgh Steelers. The best thing that can happen here is that Rashard Mendenhall gets hurt and/or has continuing fumble issues. The worst case scenario is Reality, in which Mendenhall becomes the lead back by mid-season and Parker becomes the de facto caddy, in kind of a Julius Jones / Marion Barber far from useful platoon. I've seen Parker go in the high third round, as if he still had the lead job or those 2006 touchdown numbers were coming back. They aren't, he isn't, and your 2008 is about to get Highly Frustrating.



8. Carson Palmer, QB, Cincinnati Bengals. The schedule is hard. He kinda stunk last year -- look at the per-game rates, and if it wasn't the Brown blowup game or the Week 17 Who Cares fest, he wasn't good at all. His deep wideout is batshit loco, playing with a broken shoulder and on the wrong side of 30. His #3 WR is the clubhouse leader in the Who Will Get Arrested First prop bet. His running back just let town on a slab, and his coach is probably starting at a pink slip at the end of the year. Oh, and he's not mobile, and his offensive line isn't very good. Ladies and gentlemen, bid early and bid often on Carson Palmer!



7. Willis McGahee, RB, Baltimore Ravens. A consensus second round pick, despite the fact that he's (a) been cut on, (b) getting a pea-green rookie as his new QB, (c) on a team that will be behind early and often, and (d) spent the pre-season watching his eventual replacement (Ray Rice) give everyone some hope for the future. Let's just saw he's not on any of my teams.



6. Marvin Harrison, WR, Indianapolis Colts. This just in... they didn't need him back. Anthony Gonzalez gave them a better #2 wideout down the stretch last year, and Young Gonzo didn't spend his off-season not commenting on gun troubles. Oh, and Marvin also has knee issues on astroturf. That's good. Finally, in his absence last year, Dallas Clark picked up some of that Peyton Manning mind-meld stuff. And yet, people were drafting him in my leagues as if he were a lock-solid #2. The times, they are a changing.



5. Tony Gonzalez, TE, Kansas City Chiefs. Last year was wonderful, but the yards helped to hide the fact that he doesn't get red zone looks any more, and Kansas City is just plain terrible. Gonzo isn't a terrible pick in and of himself, but it's more what he represents -- an outdated mode of thinking (i.e., Tight Ends Are Scarce), which is usually indicative of an owner that isn't paying enough attention. He won't help many people win this year.



4. Any Seattle Running Back (Julius Jones, Maurice Morris, TJ Duckett). None of these guys are very good, and neither is the Seattle offensive line, which didn't open holes for anyone last year. (Admittedly, when Shaun Alexander is "running" behind you, maybe you have morale issues.) Add the fact that two of the three guys were brought in as free agents, and you've got a three-way suckfest where no one is walking away satisfied. If you draft any of these guys, rest assured that you will be played along for months waiting for Some Magical Injury to come along and give your guy the featured role... only to discover that 20 carries behind this line will get you a whopping 30 yards more than the 10 carries did.



3. San Diego defense. First off, the guy with the first defense taken off the board usually tanks, because there's way too much chance that a defense from nowhere (remember the Titans last year?) will provide real value, while a highly regarded unit (say, the mostly folding their tent Ravens) will struggle. People who take the Charger defense will do so without degrading them for the inevitable Shawne Merriman injury. Even if Lights In His Head Are Out is most of what he usually is, they weren't going to perform as well this year, because teams aren't going to throw near Antonio Cromartie again, and they didn't get many hurries to go with their sacks. The division is still bad, but if you were drafting these guys in the 5th through 7th rounds, the rest of your lineup has to have suffered in comparison.



2. Derek Anderson, QB, Cleveland Browns. Last year's 7th ranked player in Yahoo (and 5th overall quarterback) spent the tail end of the 2007 undermining his status before signing a front-loaded extension. He's got one year to claim this franchise as his own over backup Brady Quinn, and so far, he's reacted to the pressure in a Hoying-esque fashion, driving always calm Browns Fan to start puling for the Bradycat.



He does have a great line to work behind and fine weapons in Winslow and Edwards... but both of those guys have been very injury prone in their lives, and it's not as if his division or schedule is a walk in the park. There's a reason this guy was a sixth round pick who couldn't beat out Charlie Frye for the starting job on Opening Day in 2007, and I'm betting we're reminded of that reason at length in 2008.



1. Rudi Johnson, RB, Maybe Detroit. The surest sign of team that is auto-drafting cannon fodder was the guy taking the former first-round Bengal stud who was released late last week. Drafting him might work out in the long run, as the World Wide Lemur is reporting tonight that he's part of an extremely underwhelming committee in Detroit... and then again, it might not, given that he's fantastically old, slow, and hard to get through metal detectors with that fork in his back. Oh, and Detroit sucks.



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