Seriously, guys, this is serious.

Ellen Page‘s face is her livelihood, and you cannot simply deny someone their livelihood. How dare Naughty Dog basically steal her face for their super excellent video game?

I mean, really. No one has ever looked like Ellen Page before in the history of the world. Genetics forbid the possibility of a brown-haired, doe-eyed combination of two X chromosomes with freckles and light skin. Simply an impossibility. The mere idea of someone resembling someone else.

Wait.

If I shaved a little… And then did a thing with my hair… Wait…WAIT….

Hold on just a second here…

…CONNOR KENWAY AND I ARE BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON. Except I existed first, being born partway through the 1980s, you know. Same nose, same lips, same relative descent in that I’m part Mexican and the Mexicans were at one point Native Americans and stuff.

I understand everything, Ellen Page. I know what it’s like to feel incredibly slighted that someone somewhere had the gall to thieve my very likeness and use it for personal gain.

Naughty Dog, you have done the world of gaming a great disservice by so blatantly ripping off Ellen Page’s very unique and irreplicable face.

Ubisoft, I would have words with you! Or a very large paycheck. Not in amount, I just want a check that’s significantly larger than a normal-sized check. I now know why you invited me to your studios in 2011. It was to STEAL MY FACE and not about Rocksmith at all!