Wife: Don’t you think it’s time we told Son #1 about sex?

Me: No.

Wife: He’s going to overnight camp this summer.

Me: Good. He’ll learn it there. It will be like “Porky’s”.

Wife: I think we need to tell him ourselves.

Me: This sounds like a dyslexic “we”.

Wife: I don’t understand. Although that’s nothing new.

Me: You’re seeing the “w” in “we” upside down. It’s actually an “m”. As in “me”.

Wife: Well, he’s your son.

Me: Thank you for that confirmation.

[Wife looks at me for a long time while I pretend to read the book I’m holding.]

Me: Oh all right all right all right.

[Son #1 and I go round the corner to the neighborhood bar and grill and order cheeseburgers. The food arrives.]

Me: So Mom says I have to tell you about sex.

Son #1 [watching basketball game on TV and eating]: Unhuh.

Me: So, you know what sex is?

Son #1 [still watching basketball game on TV and eating]: No.

Me: Your friends haven’t talked about it?

Son #1 [still watching basketball game on TV and eating]: No.

[Here I think this is totally excellent — I don’t have to work against misinformation — until I realize I don’t know how to start. I puzzle over this problem for some time.]

Me: Ever wonder why teenagers stand around on street corners and smash their faces together?

Son #1 [looking away from basketball game, but still eating]: As a matter of fact, yes.

And then I’m off to the races, and I cover…

First base

Second base

Third base

Home run

How you can get a girl pregnant

How you can’t get a girl pregnant

Basic contraception

Homosexuality (it’s fine)

How the other person has the right to say “no”

How you have the right to say “no”

A long list of sexual activities that, depending on the age at which Son#1 engages in them, I will kill him if I find out.

Comprehensive question & answer review of all the information above.

Frequently during the talk, I repeat the phrase, “I’m not making this up.”

[We go home and I report all of the above to wife, figuring I am about to be richly praised for my work.]

Wife: You didn’t talk about masturbation?

Me [somewhere between antagonized and outraged]: I think he can figure that one out himself.

Wife: He might think it’s wrong.

Me: Give me a f%*&ing syllabus next time.

Wife: Don’t you think we…

Me: Oh all right all right all right. [I go downstairs and stick my head in Son #1’s room.] It’s okay to play with it. Just close the door.

POSTSCRIPT:

For three years after this, Son #1 always said “no” whenever I asked him if he wanted to go around the corner to the neighborhood bar and grill, get a cheeseburger, and watch a ball game. Recently, he told me he said “no” because he didn’t know what other kind of weird crap I was going to spring on him and didn’t want to find out. Makes perfect sense now that I think about it.

POST-POSTSCRIPT:

The personalities of the characters in this dialogue were exaggerated and intensified for dramatic purposes. “Wife” is actually a much milder and more reasonable person in real life. “Me” is pretty accurate, unfortunately.

POST-POST-POSTSCRIPT:

Despite the previous disclaimer, I am apparently still in Chateau Bow Wow for this post.