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SATURDAY night, BBC1... and Doctor Who storms back with the first of a two-part ­adventure called The Impossible Astronaut. As in impossible to understand.

Strictly sci-fi nerds only as our 960-year-old hero died and then didn’t die and then landed the Tardis in the Oval Office while President Tricky Dicky Nixon looked on in bemused amazement.If there was a cogent plot it was brilliantly disguised.

Anyway, a picnic in the desert, babies in space suits, an alleged tale of ­intrigue ­involving the 1969 Moon landing... and smartly-dressed monsters ­wearing ties.

“Have we done Jim the fish?” enquired River Song – the ­mysterious Time Lady played by Alex ­Kingston. Gee, River... I dunno. What the hell are you flowing on about?

A twitchy whirl of studied eccentricity, Matt Smith remains a derivative Doctor who brings nothing new to the party.

And this ball of all-round confusion was no way to start a series. But I’m guessing the second instalment will end with the sonic screwdriver guy saving the world with seconds to spare. Again.