Rigby: STOP TALKING!

Stay in school, kids!



Watch as these two lethargic dimwits work at a park that nobody ever visits, along with their fellow park workers: Skips, an immortal yeti who changed his name to escape bad memories; Pops, a young, elderly man whose beach ball-sized head weighs more than his entire body; Muscle Man, a fat and abusive jerk who makes everyone’s life Hell and tries to kill them if they prank him back . . .yeah, I can't believe he hasn't been fired yet, either; High Five Ghost, an arm-in-his-head eyesore whose main role is to float there and live up to his name; and Park Manager Benson, a hot-tempered gumball machine whose anger is volatile to the point of needing a HAZMAT label.

(Sarcasm) Good job on that one, Better Business Bureau! Yeah, REALLY observant!

Take part in this male-only staff as they tackle their daily routine with situations so boring and trivial that people will only find them interesting if they include: over-exaggerated fight scenes, explosions, random super powers, last-moment surprises that inexplicably save the day, and landscapes that automatically fix themselves after all the destruction is laid.

Hmm . . . anyone else thinking Dragon Ball Z? I can't really see the difference here. . . .

Enjoy adventures where the fate of the world ALWAYS depends on the actions of these primal-focused buffoons. But wait! This show isn’t just about guys! Don’t worry, female audience, there’s plenty of women in this show. Three, to be exact!

Meet Margaret Smith, a robin who is adored by absolutely everyone . This 150% picture-perfect character never makes a mistake, succeeds at everything on the first try, gets EVERYTHING she wants with little to no effort, and who’s initials, M.S., are clearly not an indicator for her being a Mary Sue! I mean, come on! She has to have some flaws to her character! For example, she . . . she . . . um . . . uh . . . uh . . . uhhhhhhh. Oh, God, I'm pulling a Mordecai here! Quick! Next person!



(clears throat) CJ, a cloud girl who everybody spits on, all because she has feelings for Mordecai and is not a bird. She’s Margaret’s symbolic foil: she has actual flaws, has to struggle through life, lacks an appreciative father, has a stormy temper, is most likely a lonely soul striving for someone to love her, and whose so-called friends are currently ignoring because the one she apparently filled in for (Margaret) is back in town and thus those SO-CALLED FRIENDS DON'T WANT ANYTHING MORE TO DO WITH HER!!!!!!!!! (Extremely Angry) SERIOUSLY! Some friends you all turned out to be! And you're to blame too, Quintel! Way to diss your characters! Suuuuure, just toss CJ aside after building her up for two seasons! We won't mind at all! And what about Mordecai's character development? Nope! Let's just toss that out the window while we're at it and revert him back to the emotionally conflicted moron he was in pre-season 5!



HONESTLY! Talk about counterproductive! (clears throat again and takes a deep, calming breath. . .) Okay, I'm better . . . for now. . . .

And finally, there’s Eileen: hands down, the most wonderful bundle of joy in the entire show! (Party noise) Seriously, try and find one negative thing about this character! Go ahead: TRY! This Rigby-sized mole has it all: intelligence, cuteness, beauty, cuteness, courage, cuteness, super cuteness, and patience like nobody would believe. For after waiting 6 whole seasons — count them, SIX-LONG-SEASONS — she finally has Rigby as her boyfriend!

Cue the angelic choir!

But, yeah. Eileen is fantastic. Join this cast of mismatched characters and journey into the world of JG Quintel’s imagination: an imagination that includes outdated technology like 8-bit video games and VHS tapes, yet for some reason also has modern technology like smart phones and flat screen TVs. Walk in the nonexistent shoes of Mordecai and Rigby as they — (record screech). Speaking of which, has anyone but me noticed that these two go around naked ALL THE TIME? I mean, we’ve seen them wear clothes on occasion, so why don’t they wear clothes all the time? I mean, all this time they've been walking around as nudists, in public, with their girlfriends for crying out loud! Do they not care? Does them being anthros give them certain rights that humans don’t have? We know that they have clothes; I mean, Rigby uses them for blankets. Are they just too lazy to wear them? Are the clothes uncomfortable? Do they suffer heat stroke if worn too long? Or maybe . . . you know what? Never mind. If the Looney Tunes could do it, why can't they? So when you're not watching the wonderful, emotional story of Steven Universe, the silly yet magnificent world of Adventure Time, or the complete, shallow idiocy that is Teen Titans Go!, tune in to an 11 minute, commercial-free program that has it all: anthros, video games, coffee shops, people getting punched, romantic drama you'll devote your life and soul to, and over-the-top stories that are, more or less, all ripped off from other movies. (Sighs with aggravation) And, of course, there's this: ( 2 hour segment of Mordecai and Rigby doing their trademark "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA!") (sighs with tremendous annoyance) You guys finished? GOOD!



STARRING - Blue Jay-Z (Mordecai) - Garfield Reincarnated (Rigby) - Mary Su— I mean, Red Robin, YUM! (Margaret) - Cloudy with a Chance of Angst (CJ) - Cuteness times Infinity (Eileen) - Scream Machine (Benson) - Skip to my Lou (Skips) - "I’m Super! Thanks for asking." (Pops) - Mean Joe Green & his Right-Hand Man (Muscle Man & High Five Ghost) - Russian E-scape Goat (Thomas) - And the guy who voices Mordecai (JG Quintel) Not So Regular After All ~~~~~





You know what would've also been a good name for Margaret, besides Mary Sue and Red Robin? Red Mordecai. I mean, seriously, how much thought actually went into her design? And seeing as she looks like him, would that make Mordecai a narcissist?

