First Four (11) Wichita St. defeats (11) Vanderbilt — Wichita State players attempt their first trash talk with the line, “I guess you weren’t built to last. Get it? Because your name is Vanderbilt, and the “bilt” part of your name sounds like the English word “built.” So we just beat you, so we’re making a play on words when we say ‘You’re not built to last.” Shocker players promptly have the ever-living sh*t kicked out of them in the parking lot. (16) Florida Gulf Coast defeats (16) Fairleigh Dickinson — It’s the return of Dunk City, and Florida Gulf Coast players are quick to remind post-game reporters that their dorm room is literally on the fu*king beach. (11) Michigan defeats (11) Tulsa — Despite their attempts all season, Tulsa players are never able to overcome the fact that they are coached by Frank Haith. (16) Holy Cross defeats (16) Southern — In a battle of the two most boring university names ever, Holy Cross defeats Southern when the Jaguars incorrectly spell “Worcester” in a Name Our Location tiebreaker. SOUTH BRACKET — First Round (1) Kansas defeats (16) Austin Peay — Kansas wins handily, but more importantly, senior Perry Ellis picks up AARP’s “Most Active Senior” award during halftime. (8) Colorado defeats (9) Connecticut — An ill-advised strategy stemming from their miracle victory over Cincinnati in the AAC Tournament sees UConn doing nothing all game but heave 60-foot shots from the other end of the court. Colorado wins 107–3. (Yeah, they made one.) (12) South Dakota State defeats (5) Maryland — Maryland was at one time ranked as the top team in the nation, but a built-up jet lag from flying halfway across the goddamn country for every game wears on the coaching staff, who straight-up fall asleep at halftime and never return. (13) Hawaii defeats (4) California — In a battle to determine the state we all actually want to live in, Hawaii edges California with a luau on the beach. (6) Arizona defeats (11) Wichita State — In the first true matchup between a power conference team and a scrappy mid-major, Arizona defeats the Shockers thanks to the time-tested method of having an infinitely larger recruiting pool and maintaining a roster with a couple of 7-foot players. (14) Buffalo defeats (3) Miami — Buffalo players remain convinced that all these annoying Buffalo Wild Wings commercials are for and about their team, which becomes an oddly effective motivational tool. (10) Temple defeats (7) Iowa — Temple’s stock is sky high after the revelation that cult Nickelodeon after-school program Legends of The Hidden Temple may be getting a reboot. Players are overheard in the huddle encouraging each other with shouts of “You heard what the creepy talking statue said! Let’s win!” (15) UNC-Asheville defeats (2) Villanova — You know UNC-Asheville. Or at least know of UNC-Asheville. Remember the ridiculously tall player that Tyler Hansbrough once dunked on? Yeah, that was Asheville’s Kenny George. George is probably long gone by now, but they still have a basketball team, and that’s who just beat Villanova. Make sense? Great. WEST BRACKET — First Round (16) Holy Cross defeats (1) Oregon —It might seem like things are getting a bit outlandish, but don’t forget, divinely named junior Robert Champion is averaging 11 points a game, and Oregon fans do not give a sh*t about basketball. (8) Saint Joseph’s defeats (9) Cincinnati — Saint Joseph’s sees UConn’s strategy in their first-round game, thinks maybe the gambit only works against Cincy, and is proved shockingly right. Saint Joseph’s wins 279–45, on a stellar 93–25 shooting from beyond half court. (5) Baylor defeats (12) Yale — I think there’s an obvious joke here about Yale being a bunch of nerds that can’t play basketball, but you’ve got to hand it to the Bulldogs, they really stuck in there and-…What’s that? They got crushed? Oh, never mind. (4) Duke defeats (13) UNC Wilmington — Someone on the coaching staff lets it slip to players that they’re not the “real” UNC, causing the whole rivalry element to completely disappear. Duke sophomore Grayson Allen spends his halftime tampering with criminal evidence to ensure wrongly-convicted murder suspects stay on death row. (6) Texas defeats (11) Northern Iowa — Northern Iowa looks to leader Ali Farokhmanesh to seal the win, until they realize that happened six damn years ago and everybody just wishes they would shut the hell up about it now. (14) Green Bay defeats (3) Texas A&M — The Green Bay Packers, led by quarterback Aaron Rodgers, ride a regular-season record of 12–4 into the NCAA Tournament, much to the utter confusion of every single person watching. (7) Oregon State defeats (10) VCU — VCU looks to coach Shaka Smart to help seal the win, until they realize that happened five years ago, Shaka Smart is no longer there, and we all should probably move on. (15) CSU Bakersfield defeats (2) Oklahoma — Buddy Hield, in a sad spoilsport move, continues to blame anything that goes wrong on fatigue from the triple-overtime game at Kansas two months ago.

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EAST BRACKET — First Round (1) North Carolina defeats (16) Florida Gulf Coast — Seeing as that they’re killing a 16-seed, Roy Williams decides to have some fun and sub 5-for-5 as many times as he can before someone notices. (8) USC defeats (9) Providence — Providence is a sexy pick with NBA talent, so losing this game really drains a lot of sex from this year’s NCAA Tournament. (5) Indiana defeats (12) Chattanooga — Tom Crean decides winning one more game is all that is needed to keep his job after the roller coaster season Indiana just had. After beating 12-seed Chattanooga, Indiana offers Crean a 20-year extension. (13) Stony Brook defeats (4) Kentucky — In one of the biggest upsets of the tournament so far, Stony Brook reluctantly takes the victory when John Calipari fails to arrive at the arena, still back in an ESPN studio somewhere complaining about the Selection Committee seeding a week later. Because, you know, of all the teams getting screwed, it’s the little startup programs like KENTUCKY… (11) Michigan defeats (6) Notre Dame — Michigan tops Notre Dame by cleverly sending the entire Fighting Irish team a care package with a free Blu-Ray of Best Picture winner “Spotlight,” which they are initially led to believe is a documentary about spotlight operators on Broadway. Notre Dame is too traumatized to take the court. (3) West Virginia defeats (14) S.F. Austin — S.F. Austin coach Brad Underwood becomes flustered and looks completely unprepared when he does nothing but continuously remind his players, “Remember now, West Virginia is going to press, and they’re going to try to force turnovers.” (10) Pittsburgh defeats (7) Wisconsin — Wisconsin players are utterly demoralized when new head coach Greg Gard’s pep talk backfires, devolving into tears and a final statement of, “You think this is your time? Last year was your time! You f*cking blew it! Oh god, I can’t do this. Bo asked if I wanted to be head coach, and I thought he was kidding, but then the next day there was a press conference, and it all happened so fast! You jerks are on your own! I CAN’T DO THIS!” (15) Weber St. defeats (2) Xavier — The entire nation breaths a sigh of relief when they realize they no longer have to put up with Xavier, the single greatest offender of the “we’ll start our name with an ‘X’ but pronounce it like a ‘Z’ principle. MIDWEST BRACKET — First Round (16) Hampton defeats (1) Virginia — Virginia coach and Grammy-award winning singer Tony Bennett spends entire halftime talking to Lady Gaga about their next collaboration. (8) Texas Tech defeats (9) Butler —Former Butler coach Brad Stevens makes good on his promise to not completely abandon the program by attending an NCAA Tournament game. Unfortunately, players and fans fail to take notice of this when Stevens sits in the student section and blends in with other college-age children. (12) Little Rock defeats (5) Purdue — Much is being made of the fact that Little Rock is tied for the fewest losses in the nation, which serves as an intimidation factor against Purdue. Sadly, no one tells Purdue that Little Rock has four losses against and, I’m not kidding, the 276th-hardest schedule in the country. (13) Iona defeats (4) Iowa State — Despite the loss, Iowa State coach Fred Hoiberg has a little fun in the post-game press conference, telling reporters, “My name is Steven Prohm. Fred Hoiberg is now the coach of the Chicago Bulls, and I replaced him this season. Please stop calling me ‘The Mayor.’ Reporters describe the event as “funny,” “endearing,” and “classic, free flowing Freddy Hoiberg.” (6) Seton Hall defeats (11) Gonzaga — Gonzaga fans are relieved that they’re not an undeserved 1-seed, and no one cares if they lose in the first round this year. (14) Fresno St. defeats (3) Utah — Utah players brace for the realization that they now must return to Utah. (10) Syracuse defeats (7) Dayton — Joe Lunardi reminds viewers that even though Syracuse won this game, they do not belong in this tournament, adding, “I don’t care if they win the national f*cking title. Syracuse does not belong in this tournament.” (15) Middle Tennessee defeats (2) Michigan State — You know the scene in “Independence Day” when the spacecraft hovers over New York, and there’s mass hysteria in the streets? Tom Izzo just lost in March, so that happens…

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SOUTH BRACKET — Second Round (1) Kansas defeats (8) Colorado — Senior Perry Ellis leads the Jayhawks in scoring before a nice 4:00 p.m. dinner at Bob Evans. (13) Hawaii defeats (12) South Dakota St. — What was supposed to be a thrilling 4–5 matchup between an experienced Maryland team and an electrifying California team becomes just another seven-overtime game with three game-tying buzzer beaters that will be replayed in every CBS March Madness promo package for the next 20 years, which is too bad, because Cal-Maryland really could have been a good game. (6) Arizona defeats (14) Buffalo — Arizona’s PR experiment to bring an actual wildcat to the game backfires when the cat gets loose and mauls several people. Good news? It’s the Buffalo coaching staff. (15) UNC-Asheville defeats (10) Temple — I did a poor job of explaining last time. This was back in 2008, and Tyler Hansbrough was all the rage. North Carolina was playing some nothing team that happened to have a monster on their bench: Kenny George. This dude was seriously 7-foot-7. So on the first play he’s in, Hansbrough takes it right at this guy and dunks on him. It was all over Sportscenter. Surely you remember this? Anyway, that team they were playing was UNC-Asheville, and it’s the very same program that just made it to the Sweet 16. Does that make sense now? UNC-Asheville? WEST BRACKET — Second Round (16) Holy Cross defeats (8) Saint Joseph’s — After becoming the first 16-seed to make the Sweet 16, local papers go all out and simply print the headline, “HOLY SH*T!” (4) Duke defeats (5) Baylor — Duke secures the win with a barrage of three-pointers, while Grayson Allen spends his halftime importing and selling blood diamonds. (6) Texas defeats (14) Green Bay — It sounds so simple, but Texas is finally able to stop the Green Bay Packers by insisting they play basketball, which is sort of the whole point of the NCAA Tournament. (15) CSU Bakersfield defeats (7) Oregon State — Gary Payton II looks suspiciously older, and Oregon State is forced to forfeit when Shawn Kemp shows up in a Beavers uniform, and it becomes clear that OSU is simply trying to sub in the entire 1996 Seattle SuperSonics roster. EAST BRACKET — Second Round (8) USC defeats (1) North Carolina — Roy Williams was famous for early tournament exits at Kansas, and he feels he still owes the Carolina faithful a couple more before it evens out. North Carolina fans, prepare for your big men to be non-existent, and for a USC center who hasn’t shot a three-pointer all year to go 12-for-12 from beyond the arc. (13) Stony Brook defeats (4) Indiana — In a battle of the most confusing mascots, Stony Brook wins with the Seawolves, and not, as their name would suggest, a literal stream of water running over stones in a meadow somewhere. (3) West Virginia defeats (11) Michigan — Bob Huggins takes his blue-collar approach to new levels when he casually approaches the Michigan Wolverine and rips the head clean off, including the head of the junior transfer student inside. (15) Weber St. defeats (10) Pittsburgh — Ugh…We’ll never hear the end of this, given how much the media loves Weber State. We can’t turn on our TVs without hearing about Weber State. Seriously people, stop talking about Weber State! MIDWEST BRACKET — Second Round (8) Texas Tech defeats (16) Hampton — Texas Tech is really coming on strong now that they’re not coached by a guy who choked a child, the son of a guy who choked a child, or the biggest program destroyer in modern NCAA history. (13) Iona defeats (12) Little Rock — Iona players are relieved they were able to avoid Purdue. Why? Well, it’s complicated, and this isn’t something they like to brag about, but many of them live in inexplicable fear of trains. (14) Fresno St. defeats (6) Seton Hall — Yeah, I got nothing on this one. Fresno State really should have lost this one. (15) Middle Tennessee defeats (10) Syracuse — All 15-seeds make the Sweet 16, confirming a drunken prophecy by Steph Curry that all 15-seeds would make the Sweet 16, further proving you just straight up do not fuck with Steph Curry right now.

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Sweet 16 (1) Kansas defeats (13) Hawaii — College basketball declares March 2016 “Opposite Month,” and allows Kansas to be the last 1-seed standing, as opposed to dramatically under-performing in the NCAA Tournament. (15) UNC-Asheville defeats (6) Arizona — Okay, seriously guys. Kenny George was probably the tallest player to ever play college basketball. Do you seriously not remember this? What? No! He’s not still there. They don’t currently have an eight-foot-tall player on their team! It doesn’t matter! They’re in the Elite Eight! What the hell is wrong with you people? No, U-N-C Asheville. It’s in the North Carolina school system. What do you mean, “Where?” Asheville, North Carolina! God damnit! (4) Duke defeats (16) Holy Cross — Duke defeats Holy Cross with a barrage of three pointers, while Grayson Allen spends his halftime removing much-needed textbooks from inner-city schools. (6) Texas defeats (15) CSU Bakersfield — Shaka Smart guides his team to victory by doing that thing where he acts all crazy on the sidelines and empathizes with his players. You know, that thing he does? (13) Stony Brook defeats (8) USC — With the game being played in Philadelphia, the USC coaching staff tries swapping out their players for the 76ers, only to realize too late that the gimmick actually makes them worse. (3) West Virginia defeats (15) Weber St. — Bob Huggins wears a suit and tie just to throw everyone off, and by god, it works. (8) Texas Tech defeats (13) Iona — Iona coach Tim Cluess has a name that looks just enough like “Tim Clueless” for his team to really begin doubting the methods that got them this far. Bad idea. (15) Middle Tennessee St. defeats (14) Fresno St. — Head coach Kermit “Froggy” Davis had a dream: If he could somehow harness, not just the talents of players in Tennessee, but more specifically, the middle part of Tennessee, he knew they would be an unstoppable force. Elite Eight (15) UNC-Asheville defeats (1) Kansas — In accordance with Federal law, Kansas finally loses to the mid-major. (6) Texas defeats (4) Duke — A single Final Four appearance? Texas fans, get ready for Shaka Smart to ride this wave of success for half a decade while accomplishing nothing else during his tenure in Austin. Meanwhile, Grayson Allen tells reporters he’ll spend his summer vacation traveling the world to spray protesters with fire hoses. (13) Stony Brook defeats (3) West Virginia — What can you say about Stony Brook? I mean, really, what can you say about Stony Brook? I’m asking. I have no explanation for them being in the Final Four. Quick, ask me to name a single player. Can’t do it. (8) Texas Tech defeats (15) Middle Tennessee — Tubby Smith makes good on his promise to deliver another Final Four season, albeit with an entirely different school nearly two decades after his last appearance. But hey, a promise is a promise. Final Four (15) UNC-Asheville defeats (6) Texas — UNC-Asheville players spend the entire post-game press conference googling their school to make sure that Tyler Hansbrough dunk isn’t still the first search result. (8) Texas Tech defeats (13) Stony Brook — Not wanting to repeat Kentucky’s mistake, Texas Tech officials make plans to immediately fire Tubby Smith should he win the national title.

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