The Land Before Pizza Hut Sucked

By Jason Moody

It's 1985.



You got an A on your report card ... or your parents just got their tax return -- either way, tonight your family is CELEBRATING. If your family celebrated like my family celebrated - that means PIZZA, and not just any pizza. You're going to the king-daddy of all pizza places ... you're going to PIZZA HUT. The Pizza Hut of today is NOTHING like the Pizza Hut of the 70's and 80's. When I was a kid, going to Pizza Hut was an occasion. Not just birthday party or payday occasions (those were relegated to Micky D's or BK). If we were going to Pizza Hut, one of two things happened. Either Mom and Dad got a massive tax return or Christ was coming back ... because I heard the hallelujah chorus when we'd pull in to the Hut's parking lot.



You could LIT-trilly smell it a mile a way. We'd sniff it out like police dogs at a rave, and the car would be filled with the squeals of elation from the back seat as the wonderful fragrance of greasy, bready, saucey goodness eminated our olfactory senses.



Every pizza place has it's own smell... but Pizza Hut was the best. It was hearty and tangy and the aroma just lingered thick in the entire restaurant. You'd go home and the next day, you'd want to wear the same clothes from the day before because they were still pungent of pizza.

The atmosphere of the place was SUPER classy. As an 8 year old you felt like you were on a fancy date -- a date with pizza. And you knew you'd go home satisfied. They had these stained glass chandeliers that said Pizza Hut and all the decor was in dark red with brick walls. It just felt fancy ... at least for pizza.

Let's talk about the PIZZA. Buttery crust that's crispy and golden on the outside, but soft as baby souls on the inside. The sauce was tangy and sweet and the cheese was piled on. There's that one moment every kid wants from their first bite of pizza - where the cheese that's now in your mouth is attached to the cheese still on the slice and as you pull it away, the cheese stretches and pulls apart like salt water taffy. You got that every time at Pizza Hut.

But that was in a more civilized age. Before the dark times ... before the pizza empire.



The 90's is when the decline of quality and the inevitable fall of the pizza titan became evident. When they started trading good service, great quality and fresh toppings for gimmicks, frozen toppings and cheap pizza.



One of those gimmicks was the Pizza Head Show, which was a direct rip off of the "Mr. Bill Show" from SNL. The commercials were even directed by Walter Williams who created Mr. Bill, except they kinda sucked. Mr. Bill is the kind of thing that's funny once or twice, but you're not going to sell me pizza with it. I'm going to buy your pizza because you have good pizza ... not because your VP of marketing saw the Mr. Bill show and thought it was funny.



By the way ... Mr. Bill ran on SNL in the late 70s and early 80s. At the height of his popularity he had a movie in 1986. The Pizza Head Show ads ran from 1993-1997 ... fail.



Pizza Hut tried all kinds of things to increase sales and expand their market while also decreasing cost ... before finally settling in to the sub par, fast food, acid reflux-inducing mega chain it is today.



Now that's not to say that they didn't have gimmicks before. They did. But by the beard of Odin, I loved 'em.



In the 80's they did things like license Ninja Turtles which gave us one of my FAVORITE commercials as well as the greatest rock tour of all time.



When Land Before Time came out, we got these fantastic rubber puppets. They were cheap, sure, but I loved them. Just check out this marketing:

I want to go to there.



We also got wonderfully gimmicky promotions such as the Bigfoot Pizza. But here's the thing: even with their gimmicks and promotions, Pizza Hut was still making their pizza great.



As I wrap this up, I want to mention JETS PIZZA. In terms of 1980s Pizza Hut, this is the closest you'll find in 2015. I highly recommend giving it a shot, it's actually sort of uncanny how close it is in taste.



That wraps it up! Are your Nostalgia senses tingling?



Oh, and hey, do you remember the 80s like I do? Share your thoughts with us on Facebook!