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All our life we're taught that women prefer "alpha males," and it's not just pickup artist douchebags telling us that, but also scientists, who have the biggest incentive to tell us that this is a lie. It's something to do with confident, muscular men being better equipped to fight off invading tyrannosauruses, despite the fact that evolution hasn't caught up with the idea that these days security means being able to squeeze another thousand bucks out of your tax return.

The good news is, evidence suggests that this rule goes straight out the window in times of economic recession. Bizarrely, that's when ladies start to appreciate some sickly, shy, pasty action.

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"Is the Dow plunging, or are you just happy to see me?"

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Studies conducted on women attending college at first seemed to confirm what most guys have been led to believe -- women prefer strong guys with a lot of earning potential, even though women in college are working toward their own careers and won't necessarily need the protection. But when the researchers inspired fears of recession and bankruptcy in the women, they found results that completely ignore what evolution has taught us. When they compared the online dating profiles of strong, beautiful men against more normal, wimpy, "follower" men, more women thought that the latter were better to have as husbands.

So why the sudden change of heart? The researchers suggest that women consider "wimpy" men less likely to abandon them. You know, because they're lucky to have a woman in the first place. They may have less money, but they have staying power.

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"Whereas my staying power is really more in the form of the herpes that I'll leave you."

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The good news for all the beta males reading this is that we're in a recession right now. So go out and spread your wild oats, just as long as you're prepared for heartbreak when the economy recovers. Don't be devastated: Evolution makes women leave you.

Now go out there and crash the economy.