“Having similar interests is important. Otherwise you’ll just have one-way conversations. If I just want sex or company, I’ll get a social escort. At least this feels real and like I’m invested in this girl’s life.”

This is Marcus, who has been a sugar daddy for six years, and currently has two sugar babies. At his request for total anonymity, I speak to him through a friend who was once employed by him. I’m told he’s well-maintained for a 49-year old, and is also married with children.

After dating his wife for 10 years, Marcus married at 26 and now feels like he missed out on the prime of his youth. Through sugar arrangements, he seeks the kind of deeper companionship that will also bring with it the excitement of feeling young again.

“Marriage felt like the right thing at the time. Not that I didn’t love her, but back then, it was more about stability and convenience than love. We lead connected yet separate lives currently. She has her duties, I have mine, and my kids are taken care of. Everything else is my business.”

For him, the money is a cheat code. It gives him a chance with these sugar babies in the first place. I guess it’s true: if you have enough money, you can buy anything, including your own love story.

“I don’t mind that they want money, but I also want to feel like they are genuinely interested in me. I like when people can talk or, you know, argue a bit. No point if she just absorbs and absorbs and sits there … just looking nice.”

Somehow, Marcus still believes in romance.

“Ultimately I always tell them to be genuine with their emotions if they can. Most of the time, I get the feeling that they are really enjoying themselves, so that feels romantic to me. As a sugar daddy, it can be transactional if that’s what you want. But if you’re like me, you must set the rules so you get some emotional reward out of it.”

Marcus’s desire for a real connection in exchange for money is somewhat laughable. Yet his stubborn refusal to accept that you only get one shot at life is also painfully relatable.

Hearing his answers, I get the sense that while it’s important for him to like the sugar babies themselves, it’s also absolutely crucial that he likes who he is when he’s with them. Whether you agree with his actions, haven’t we all chased the ghosts of who we could have been, in some bid to redo our past?