July 3, 2008

The Answer is a New York City Cab.

I F-ing Hate NY Cabbies



NY cabbies suck. And if I could come up with a way to put them all out of business, I would. Anything that makes their jobs harder, I'm all for it:



Bigger fare increase that'll lower their tips - do it.



Make them all install expensive GPS systems - excellent idea.



Replace them all with robots - I'm in favor.



Now you're probably thinking, "What in the world could make him hate cabbies so much?" Well, there are many reasons.



For starters, if you live in a borough of New York City, there's a 90% chance that the cab you get into doesn't know how to get to where you want to go, even though that’s the only thing they actually have to know! Learning your way around a city is not rocket science -- buy a damn map.



Another great reason to hate New York cabbies is that they drive like they're insane. I have personally witnessed at least three cabs run down people on their bikes.

I've been in a cab when they went the wrong way down a one way street, jumped out in traffic, cut off another cab, and then cursed out the other cab for having the nerve to honk at them.



But two reasons for hating New York City cabbies really jump to the forefront: I live in Brooklyn and I am black.



For those of you who don't live in NYC, it's a fact of life that cabbies hate black people.



But that's common knowledge for the most part. What most people outside of New York don't know is that they also hate going to Brooklyn.



Now, if you happen to be a black person trying to go to Brooklyn, well, then you've hit the daily double!



I've had cabbies just drive on by me.

I've had them start to pull over to let me in, get a clearer view of me, and then speed off.

I've had them pull up to me, roll down the window a crack to ask where I'm going (which is illegal by the way), and then speed off when I tell them The BK.

I've also had them tell me that they are suddenly no longer in service.

I've even had one pretend his cab broke down a block from where he picked me up.

Whenever I tell this to my white friends, they are amazed, shocked, outraged, etc..., that this still happens in America. Unfortunately, I'm used to it.



My fondest memory though, is when this Arab dude picked me up in his gypsy cab in Manhattan. Normally I don't do gypsy cabs (those unmarked black cabs), but it was late, and it's not like I was having any luck with the regular yellow cabs.



After I got in and told him where I wanted to go, he refused to go anywhere until I paid him up front.



He also locked the doors so I couldn't jump out and run away without paying. Normally, I would not have let this slide, but as I mentioned, it was late and I just wanted to go home. So I paid the man and sat back for a quiet ride home. However, it was not to be.



I guess he was afraid he had offended me, so he decided to explain why he asked me to prepay: basically because black people are all thugs. I mean, I looked nice enough, but he couldn't take a chance, right? We like to skip out on fares. We're loud. And if we actually do happen to stick around to

pay the fare, we skimp on the tip.



Now white people, they aren't great either, he continued. They start wars, they don't care for the poor, and are basically the devil. But there's one major difference: they tip well. So in the end, that makes up for everything.

I mean, homeboy was really feeling like he was dropping some knowledge on me. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting in the back, saying nothing.



Now, I'll be the first to admit that there are pieces of truth to every stereotype. I'm sure he's had some bad run-ins that caused him to develop this particular philosophy. But what exactly did he hope to gain by tell ME all of this?



As time has gone on I've learned to work the system a bit. If you can hop in the cab before you tell them where you're going, the cabbie is stuck with you (a method employed by my white brethren who also live in the BK).

Another tactic, if there happens to be a white girl around, I'll use her to hail the cab, and then jump in...and we're going to Brooklyn, bitch!

I also make sure to tip well in the hopes of encouraging return trips to the boroughs.

And if it's raining, well, I've actually never caught a cab in the rain; I'm pretty sure it's impossible. So the subway it is (MTA, don't think you're off the hook. You're on my list as well).



Now, after saying all of this, I do understand that every cabbie in NY is not like this, and that I'm using a broad brush to paint them all the same. There are some good ones out there that are getting lumped in with the rest. But here's the thing: I don't care.



The majority of them drive like madmen. The majority won't drive to the boroughs, and if they will, they don't know their way around. The majority look at me like some thug that's going to rob them. The majority won't pick me up.

Hence, I can only guess that the majority f-ing hate me. And as such, I f-ing hate them back, because isn't that the American way?



Oh, and my friend who was dropping knowledge on me during the ride home? Well, he didn't get a tip that night. Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?