Hey Bros!

We’re going back to 1985 for this one. In my college days, I worked on a sketch show. This was one of the sketch I wrote, but it was far too expensive and complicated to produce at the time. Plus, I really wanted to play Dr. Smith and my acting skills then were moderate at best. With some practice, I might be able to be passable now, but it would require solid props to sell it. Originally called “Dr. Smith Speaks” it’s working title is “Land of the Lost in Space” because it was an excuse to do, well, that show. If you haven’t seen Lost in Space and Land of the Lost, no doubt you have no idea what this sketch is talking about. Anyhow, enjoy.

Dr. Smith Speaks

Copyright 1985

written by: Tony DiGerolamo

INT. NABORS COLLEGE AUDITORIUM-EVENING

The seats are filled with COLLEGE STUDENTS waiting to catch a glimpse of their favorite TV, sci-fi hero. ALLISON VEX, student activities chairperson, stands on the stage at the front of the auditorium. Behind her is a table, chair, microphone and a banner that reads, “Nabors College welcomes Jonathan Harris II, son of “Dr. Smith” from “Lost in Space”. Above her in the background is a large projection screen. The students applaud as Allison walks out and she quiets them down.

ALLISON

smarmy)

Hi, everyone, I’m the chair person of

student activities, Allison Vex. And

I’d like to welcome you all to our

continuing series of guest speakers here

at Nabors College.

Audience applauds.

ALLISON (CONT’D)

Thank you. We’ll bring Mr. Harris out

in a minute. I just wanted to remind

everyone of a few upcoming events.

(reading from clipboard) Next week,

Professor Langley of the Anthropology

department will be giving a lecture on

early Aztec comedy called, “Take my

heart, please”. (smiles to herself)

The black, feminist, Marxists for Satan

film festival has been postponed from

the week of the 7th to the 23rd.

(smiling) Oh, and for those of you of

color, there’s a racial sensitivity

workshop on the 18th and 19th, which

is open to the public. Finally, next

month our speaker will be Demond Wilson

from “Sanford and Son”. And now, won’t

you welcome, Jonathan Harris II, the son

of Dr. Zachary Smith from “Lost in Space”!

The audience and Allison applaud. Enter JONATHAN HARRIS II, who looks, acts and sounds exactly like Dr. Smith from “Lost in Space”. He is even wearing the same clothes. Jonathan has a suspicious look about him, as if he’s always plotting and planning something evil. Allison sits with the audience.

JON

Thank you, Allison. Hello, my

adoring fans! Let me drink in your

applause! Oh! (the applause ends)

I am Jonathan Harris II, no doubt

(superior) you’ve heard of my father,

Better known as the grossly misunderstood,

Dr. Zachary Smith on “Lost in Space”.

Shower me with questions, for I am

your humble servant this evening.

GREG, an audience member, raises his hand. He is wearing a “Lost in Space” T-shirt and carries several pieces of show memorabilia, including a model of “The Robot”.

JON

(seeing Greg)

Yes, lad?

GREG

(a little nerdy)

You claim that Dr. Smith was misunderstood,

but wasn’t it through his actions that he,

the Robinsons and the Robot became

“lost in space” to begin with?

JON

(slyly, lying)

Uh, no. It was to be revealed in a later

episode that Donald West, played by actor

Mark Goddard, was actually responsible for

the sabotage.

GREG

(unsure, sitting down)

Huh, I didn’t know that.

Jon recognizes, LIZ, another audience member with a T-shirt that says, “I (heart symbol) the Robot”.

LIZ

What was your father like?

JON

(proud)

A man of extraordinary moral fiber

and impeccable good taste!

LIZ

(confused)

Yeah, but didn’t he always try and

steal the saucer?

GREG

(agreeing)

Yeah!

JON

(angry)

Lies! Preposterous lies!

Allison stands up and addresses the crowd.

ALLISON

(humoring)

Now, everyone, Mr. Harris took time

out of his schedule to come and talk

to us. Let’s be nice. (giggles)

Allison, Liz and Greg sit down.

JON

(slyly)

That’s quite all right, Allison.

There’s always a few in one group.

Next question. How about you in

the coat back there?

ANGLE ON AUDIENCE MEMBER IN COAT

Sitting in the back of the auditorium, hidden with an overcoat and large hat is THE ROBOT.

THE ROBOT

(trying to disguise its voice)

Um. Ahem. Dr. Smith, what was it

like working with Billy Mumy?

JON

You know, it’s funny you should mention

that, because, although it was my father,

not I, who worked with Billy Mumy, we

recently shot a new TV pilot together.

A most auspicious undertaking, I might add.

The audience is impressed.

THE ROBOT

(still monotone)

Ooo, wow. You wouldn’t happen to have

a clip, would you? I would—

The robot moves an his hat falls off.

THE ROBOT

Whoops.

GREG

Oh, my God! It’s The Robot!

The Robot waves politely as the audience applauds. Jonathan is angry he is being upstaged.

JON

(furious)

You pathetic scrap heap! You’ve

ruined everything!

THE ROBOT

Negative. I detect an increase in

audience participation.

JON

(back-peddling)

Of course, my mentioning of the clip

did provide extra stimuli. Let me

set it up for—

THE ROBOT

(interrupting)

The new television program stars this

unit and Billy Mumy, reprising our

roles in “Lost in Space”. Jonathan

Harris II, replaces his father as the

new Dr. Smith. In the pilot episode,

Dr. Smith steals the saucer and crash

lands in a prehistoric wilderness.

JON

Silence! You moronic metal man! You’ll

give everything away!

THE ROBOT

Just roll the tape, Chummy.

Jonathan walks over to a VCR and monitor on the right side of the stage and presses play.

ANGLE ON TELEVISION

The TV begins to play the tape of the pilot.

MUSIC: “Lost in Space” theme song

KEY: Ebb Tide Productions present

KEY: A Jonathan Harris II production

ANGLE ON JON

Jon looks into the camera and smiles.

KEY: JONATHAN HARRIS II as Dr. Smith

ANGLE ON OLDER BILLY MUMY

The OLDER BILLY MUMMY looks about 40, overweight, with a three-day beard, cigar and that bright red hair. He turns to the camera and smiles.

KEY: BILLY MUMY as Will Robinson

ANGLE ON THE ROBOT

The Robot turns toward the camera.

KEY: UNIT X-T9/325 as The Robot

ANGLE ON SPACE SHIP

The Jupiter II is flying over a backdrop of stars. The music segways into a different theme song.

SINGR

(v/o, sung to theme of “Land of the Lost”)

Will, Dr. Smith and The Robot,

While flying out in space. Hit

the greatest earthquake, ever known.

The saucer crashes into a cheap model of the Colorado rapids. As it floats along the ranging water, a model stone slab falls behind the saucer, blocking the river entrance.

SFX: (poorly dubbed) Slam.

SINGER (CONT’D)

(v/o, singing)

Hiiiiiiigh, on the rapids, it struck

their tiny craft.

The saucer plunges down a model waterfall.

WILL, JON, THE ROBOT

(v/o, frightened)

Ahhhhhhhhh!

SINGER (CONT’D)

(v/o, singing)

And plunged them down, a thousand feet

below.

KEY: The Land of the Lost in Space

SINGER (CONT’D)

(v/o, singing)

To the Land of the Lost in Space!

Land of the Lost in Space!

The last line echoes and fades away.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PREHISTORIC JUNGLE-DAY

Jon (as Dr. Smith), Will and The Robot are running through the jungle, fleeing from some unknown, prehistoric nightmare.

THE ROBOT

Danger! Danger! Hostile creature

detected! Danger! Danger!

JON

(panicking)

Oh, you contemptible tin can!

We’re going to be squished into

people patties!

SFX: (in background) The roar of a creature.

Jon, exhausted, stops to rest on a rock. Will stops with him and takes the cigar out of his mouth.

WILL

(in high-pitched, boy’s voice)

Dr. Smith, c’mon! We’ve got to

try and make it to that cave!

THE ROBOT

(moving past them)

Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!

While flailing its arms, it strikes Will in the face.

WILL

(frustrated, to The Robot)

We get the idea!

JON

(depressed)

I can’t run any farther, dear boy!

Go on without me! Leave me to my

doom!

SFX: (a much closer) Roar!

JON

(panicking)

Ahhhhhhh!

Jon screams, leaps to his feet and follows Will and The Robot.

ANGLE ON RICK AND HOLLY

RICK and HOLLY MARSHALL are the original characters from “Land of the Lost”, except now they are older and more ragged. Holly looks about ten months pregnant. They both speak with a hillbilly accent.

RICK

(gestures)

Over here, boys! Over here!

THE ROBOT

Danger! Danger! Don’t slip on that

rock! Watch out for that branch!

Danger! Danger!

The Robot, Will and Dr. Smith hide with Holly and Rick. A large shadow moves past the group and the sound of the creature moves away.

WILL

Thanks.

JON

(slyly)

Yes, most kind. And just who

are our saviors?

RICK

We’re Rick and Holly Marshall.

Me and my sister been stuck here,

oh, ’bout fifteen years or so.

JON

You mean you can’t get out of here?

We’re doomed! Oh, so doomed!

HOLLY

Aw, this place ain’t so bad. Why

don’t you and your paranoid robot,

come up to our camp?

TRANSITIONAL WIPE TO:

EXT. CAVE-DAY

A sign above the cave reads, “Rick and Holly Sleestack Tavern”. A smaller sign below it says, “Sleestack’s under this line will not be admitted”. Rick leads the other inside.

RICK

It ain’t much, but it pays the bills.

HOLLY

Yeah, and most of the Sleestack are

a right nice bunch.

THE ROBOT

Danger! Danger!

JON

Silence, you mechanical menace!

THE ROBOT

Danger! Danger! Dr. Smith is running

out of one-liners! Danger!

TRANSITIONAL WIPE TO:

INT. SLEESTACK TAVERN-DAY A SLEESTACK PIANO PLAYER is in the corner of a bar that looks as if it was made on “Gilligan’s Island”. Everything, including the bar, furniture and cups, are made from bamboo, sticks and wood. A table of THREE SLEESTACKS quietly hiss at each other and drink. Will, Dr. Smith and The Robot are sitting at the bar with drinks in front of them. Rick and Holly are cleaning up behind the bar.

JON

(taking a drink)

At last! Civilization! (drinks)

Superb! Will begins to drink.

RICK

It oughta be, do you know how hard

it is to ferment squid dung?

Will spit-takes on the bar.

THE ROBOT

Danger! Danger! I detect rum in the

Margaritas!! Danger!

Enter CHACKA, half-monkey, half-man. He is carrying a bunch of flowers.

CHACKA

Holry! Holry! Wook!

HOLLY

Don’t you honey me! I told you to

get out!

CHACKA

Umgalli tumeesh, a boogan fu!

HOLLY

(angry)

Oh, sure! It’s “honey” when you

need to borrow money. (points to

baby) How about some money for

this, bub?

SFX: Roar of dinosaur very close.

JON

Oh, dear!

EXT. CAVE-DAY

A pathetic looking model of Rick and Holly’s cave is attack by a PLASTIC TYRANOSAURUS REX, made to look bigger on the set of the model. The hand of the puppeteer can clearly be seen moving the stiff creature.

SFX: Dinosaur roars.

After a few jabs at the cave, the screen goes black.

INT. NABORS COLLEGE AUDITORIUM-NIGHT

Jon has stopped the tape.

JON

(with his back to audience)

Now, who would like to buy a VHS copy

of this amazing—

The lights come on, revealing only The Robot left in the audience. Jon is furious.

JON

(ranting, moving toward The Robot)

You lascivious lawn mower! You wretched

robot! This is the end, do you hear?!

No more colleges, no more shopping malls,

no more restaurant openings, no more lecture

tour! This is it! I’m finished! (indignant)

You repugnant robot!

Jon slams the door on his way out. The Robot, still immobile, snores as if it is sleeping.