Senator John McCain shocked the DC press Monday morning with a series of recently declassified CIA documents revealing the depth and reach of the Russian conspiracy against democracy and freedom.

"They hate our freedom, we all know that," the Senator told reporters. "But they've been hating it for longer than you may have known. I have here secret documents proving Putin's involvement in a variety of conspiracies against freedom."

"Did you know terrorists set the German Reichstag on fire? A senseless crime, who would want to burn a stag to death? They are noble animals and that's just cruel. But we have now learned from reliable sources that it was actually a Russian operation! Russian hackers took control of the cyber and weaponized a local Firefox to burn innocent stags."

When asked who the source of this information was, McCain said he could not disclose the identity of the anonymous source but described them as "reliable," "a long-time ally," and "a personal hero of mine."

"Another incident you may have heard of is the sinking of the USS Maine, despite my best efforts to have that incident officially deleted from US history. While it is a fact that Spain intentionally attacked the ship and sank it, an act of war by Spain, it is also a fact that the ship sank as a result of of an accidental explosion of its armament, also an act of war by Spain. But did you know Putin was personally colluding with the ship's armament to make it explode?"

Reporters struggled to get an explanation from McCain as to how Putin colluded with an inanimate object before he was born.

"How does one collude with a naval mine? I think Putin was blackmailing it to force it to explode against its will. He was also bribing it so that it would voluntarily explode against its will."

"As for how Putin was doing anything in 1898, I'm not at liberty to disclose the existence of Russian time machines, but we have uncovered evidence of Russian time machines. If at any point America did something wrong in history, you can be certain it was actually Putin's doing and was an act of war."

McCain interrupted reporters asking further questions about time travel and warned reporters that any more requests for "evidence" or "proof" were "un-American" and would be treated as an "act of war."

"Ask me about the time machine again and it's an act of war. You will have to wait for Colin Powell to finish presenting the evidence to the UN if you want to know more."

After firing his Luger P08 into the crowd and sending several troublesome reporters to Guantanamo Bay, McCain restored order and continued his presentation.

"Now, onto the Gulf of Tonkin. CIA intelligence analysts recently conducted a seance with the ghost of Joseph McCarthy and learned some amazing things. American ships were attacked in the Gulf of Tonkin by Russian ships, everyone already knows that."

"But what we didn't know is that this was an elaborate conspiracy to bait the United States into its own version of the Soviet-Afghan war. They totally conspiracied us into that war, meaning everything that happened in it is their fault. You got that? Putin bears full responsibility for any actions that may or may not have been done by any American servicemen, especially pilots, who may or may not have collaborated with the enemy. He is also responsible if any servicemen later went on to become Senators and, despite witnessing the horrors of war first hand, consistently call for sending American men and women to die in wars based on deception."