Interviewed: David Orwell. Male. 27 years old.

Interviewer: Agent J. ███████, MTF-███-██, Commander in charge of initial response and containment team.

Foreword: On ██/██/20██, SCP-1800 was on public display at the ██████ ████ Museum in █████████. It had been on continual exhibition since ██/██/19██ without incident. According to security cameras, at 13:25, the interview subject approached SCP-1800 and placed an unidentified coin in SCP-1800’s lower drawer and closed it. SCP-1800 immediately entered an active state and selected SCP-1800-1 and SCP-1800-2 from the museum patrons. SCP-1800-1 immediately engaged in ritual rape, murder and dismemberment of SCP-1800-2. Three security guards were injured, one fatally, when they attempted to intervene. Ritual interaction was interrupted by █████████ police firing on and killing SCP-1800-1. Interview subject was taken into custody by █████████ police along with twelve other witnesses.

<Begin Log, 02:30 ██/██/20██>

Agent J. ███████: Now, I need to ask you a few questions.

David Orwell: Sure. Hell of a day. You’re American, aren’t you? FBI? Is this some sort of al-Qaeda thing?

Agent ███████: We’re consultants, working with the █████████ police.

Orwell: Ahhh.

Agent ███████: Your name’s David Orwell?

Orwell: That’s right.

Agent ███████: You’re a student from [REDACTED]?

Orwell: Was a student. The indoctrination was a bit much.

Agent ███████: So you stopped being an art student?

Orwell: In that sense. I work for a small auction house in ██████ now.

Agent ███████: Long way from home.

Orwell: So are you.

Agent ███████: [pause] So… Why did you put something in the statue?

Orwell: I thought you wanted to ask about the guy killing his—

Agent ███████: Please answer the question, Mr. Orwell.

Orwell: An offering to Mammon.

Agent ███████: Pardon?

Orwell: Rendering unto Caesar. A metaphor. A protest. A penny on the eye of dead Art.

Agent ███████: I’m not following you.

Orwell: [sighs] It was my way of saying that Mr. Salvador Dalí was a pretentious little hack who lived off the same dozen visual non-sequiturs for a half-century. Mass-produced corporate art that diminishes in significance with each cheap copy. That statue, Le Minotaure, you know how many reproductions there are of it? I could get you one off eBay right now. All “official,” and still being produced ██ years after his death. I have more respect for Thomas Kinkade. He never tried to convince anyone his kitsch was somehow transgressive or meaningful.

Agent ███████: You don’t like Dalí.

Orwell: There’s nothing worse than a revolutionary co-opted by the establishment. Art isn’t a commodity.

Agent ███████: Were you expecting the statue to do something?

Orwell: Like what?

Agent ███████: Move.

Orwell: Huh? I was metaphorically tweaking the Dalí industrial complex. It’s not a vending machine or an amusement park ride.

Agent ███████: You didn’t watch the statue after you closed that drawer?

Orwell: I was paying more attention to the guards, who might have objected to my little protest. Then there was this slight issue of some German tourist killing his daughter and trying to—

Agent ███████: We have witnesses that say the statue raised its arms and pointed at Mr. █████ and his daughter.

Orwell: What?

Agent ███████: Are you certain you didn’t see the statue move?

Orwell: It’s not a mannequin. That thing is solid bronze, no joints. It isn’t going to wave its arms like a pirate on a Disney ride.

Agent ███████: So you didn’t see anything?

Orwell: You’ve got to be kidding. I was watching something a lot more horrifying and transgressive than that derivative, self-plagiarized excuse for a sculpture.

Agent ███████: Thank you, Mr. Orwell.

Orwell: [pause] So, uh, are we cool yet?

Agent ███████: Hmm?

Orwell: Are we cool? Have you got what you need? Can I go?

Agent ███████: Uh-huh, see the nurse on the way out.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: As with all witnesses to SCP-1800’s active phase, David Orwell was provided with a prophylactic Class-A amnestic to suppress any knowledge of SCP-1800’s involvement in the case. Possible connections between David Orwell and any Groups of Interest were not perused until █ years later when a routine review of SCP-1800’s case files identified the phrase “are we cool yet?” Mr. Orwell’s statement pre-dates official Foundation recognition of the “Are We Cool Yet?” collective by █ years. Subsequent attempts to locate Mr. Orwell for a follow-up investigation have yet to be successful.

What, are we supposed to go back and re-investigate every piece of so-called art we have in containment now? It’s a god-damn coincidence— Agent J. ███████, MTF-███-██