"Work of Art" is back! Rejoice! And the premier episode of the second season, which aired tonight on Bravo, is just as absurdlydramatic as ever. In the spirit of the show's discerning judges, let's take a look at what worked and what didn't.

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The episode begins as the contestants arrive on the scene at the — that's right — "world famous" Brooklyn Museum and we get an introductory peek into their personalities viaa clever conceit: a show of their own self-portraits. And what selves they have to portraitize! From this outset acouple of the contestants reveal themselves to be promising kooks. Young Sun, for instance, submitted a photo ofhis naked, soaking-wet body that he took in a hospital room with his elderly parents, shortly before his father passed away. Michelle deftly crafted a bust of herself out of swaths of colored paper. Lola made the aesthetic choice of wearing a really cute hat.

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Then there are the ones that are going to be obnoxious. These include Kathryn, a Lisa Loeb lookalike who has a thing for sticking (fake) bloody organs in her art ("wethink she's a vegan," someone says), and the Sucklord, a toy artist whose name is meant to convey — if we understand his exegesis — both "poor quality" and "megalomania." It's possiblethat he's from another planet.

And then there are those that are downright bad. Ugo, we all know you're the token Parisian heartthrob. You know this, too. We would've loved to seeyour face in your self-portrait, rather than have to pretend you didn't just do some squiggles that everyone wrinkled their nose at as a derivative Keith Haring manque.

After the contestants all size each other up — Lola makes eyes at the Sucklord, giving dorks the world over a new hero — Simon de Pury and China Chowmake their first appearances, and Young Sun can hardly control his shock andgiggling awe. Simon makes a grand introduction in his role as artist mentor, exhorting his young charges to "be extraordinary," in that posh Swiss accent of his. Then the contestants are led into the next gallery, which is sure to holdamazing art, because it is, after all, the "world famous" Brooklyn Museum! But wait... eagle totems, ceramic kittens, and Easter bunnies, all looking like the leftovers of an unsuccessful yard sale? Ah, the first challenge! The contestants must scramble to pullthe tchotchkes off the walls and transform them into something gallery-worthy.

As the artists get to work in the studio, the show temporarily spirals downward into apit of inner demons. Contestant Sarah J. summons her former insecurities as ateenager and reinterprets her thrift store sculpture of a woman as a watercolorof a woman rotating on a spit. "In high school I struggled with bulimia," she says, "so I decided to make her an object of consumption."Michelle, on the other hand, is having a flashback to the near-fatal car accident — from which she has only just recovered — that has her thinking about death all the time,and making her thrift-store sculpture into a gravestone. Morbidity abounds.

Meanwhile, the Sucklord, with equal measures of self-loathing and defiant pride, intones lines from "Lord of the Rings" — "you shall not pass!" etc. — as he tools around with a cheesy Gandalf painting that he is trying to recreate as a figurine. The venerableSimon sweeps in to grace the contestants with his wisdom and advice. Accidentallyaddressing the Sucklord as "Morgan," he is quickly and petulantly corrected. It's the Sucklord, damn it.

After becoming the third person to mention that Ugo is ripping offKeith Haring, Simon alerts Bayeté that he's making a Monet. No, the Phillips de Pury auctioneer is not saying that Bayeté is the caliber ofthe great French Impressionist. He's actually saying that, while his work — using a southern-belle relief's black hair to double as a black figure's afro, and then putting the whole composition under wooden bars — looked fine from afar, it's a mess on closer inspection.Bayeté insists his work examines "cultural hybridity and commodification ofbeauty" (yawn), but what we see is some weave and Monopoly money glued toposterboard.

Lola starts to sob at her inability to take her work in anydirection. Of course, Jazz-Minh's shoulder is there for her to cry on, and thecomplicated love triangle has already begun. While Jazz-Minh is obviously afterLola, Lola is inexplicably attracted to the Sucklord. But no love will evermatch the passion that exists in the threesome of Sucklord, himself, and Gandalf.

After the artwork is complete, the moment of truth arrives, and the judges start their critiques. Michelle hasn't been this nervous since being tested for STDs. It's true! (Sheeven said, "It's true"). Bill Powers and Jerry Saltz return, and this time they're joinedby photographer Mary Ellen Mark. When the top and bottom three contestants are announced — divided by gender, illustrating the old adage "girls rule and boys drool" —there are some clear themes on each side. The judges are quite partial to womenchanneling their emotions. After Lola finally got her act together, she whippedup a mixed-media piece inspired by her nomadic childhood and ended up in thetop three alongside Sarah J. and Michelle. Jerry says he feels a deeppsychological connection with Michelle's work, and announces her the winner.

And then the fun begins.

Jerry and Bill pulled no punches in letting the bottomthree — Ugo, Bayeté, and the Sucklord — know where they went wrong. Jerry was notimpressed with the Sucklord's transformation of a "crappy, two-dimensionalversion of a stupid wizard" into a "crappy, three-dimensional version of astupid wizard." But Sucklord's steely humor could withstand the judgment, and he even hadthe support of Mary Ellen Mark, who said "I thought [the] Sucklord wassuccessful," much to the chagrin of Jerry, who appeared for a second to wantto punch her in the face. She said the Sucklord's piece spoke to her — naturally, since the two seem to come from the same extraterrestrial tribe.

Jerry and Bill chided Bayeté for taking a "cheap shot atcontroversy" and for overall doing a hideous job. Bill (am I the only one who sees his resemblance to a certain co-star of "The Hills"?) really lets him have it. In the end, sadly, it'sthe ersatz Haring heartthrob Ugo who gets sent home. While the women are visiblyupset at the loss of the handsome one, it is at least an excuse to give him a hug.

SOME INITIAL PREDICTIONS:

All artists of the future will have ridiculous names.

Young Sun, Leon Lim, Jazz-Minh, and Michelle will be thestrongest competitors.

After a disappointing first episode, the Sucklord is goingto pull some magic tricks out of his Gandalf hat and have a good long run onthe show. How could they get rid of a personality like that? Lola will go fartoo, since everyone has made it clear they want to see her naked (includingus).

Janelle Zara is the assistant style editor at Artinfo. She can be reached at [email protected] om.