My friend Beau and I are into cocktails. Like, *really* into cocktails. We're also big nerds. A cocktail cannot be fully enjoyed without looking up the entire history of each ingredient involved. Time between libations is spent reading all that is printed on the matter. I can tell you where to get the best Negroni in just about every major city I've yet to visit. There are also a lot of spreadsheets, binders full of spreadsheets, Excel formulas to calculate proportions in punch recipes given inputs such as desired ABV, volume, or even hue. I digress, but you get the point.

One evening, Beau and I find ourselves at a little bespoke cocktail bar in SOMA where you order cocktails by stating a spirit preference, a particular flavor profile, or even just a few descriptors. For example, one could ask for a “refreshing bourbon drink” or a “smoky Scotch drink with egg whites” or simply “I like Negronis, go with that.” After a few rounds, Beau looks the bartender square in the eyes and says with great gravitas, “You know, I’d like to go full tiki.” And full tiki Beau went, giving birth to the hashtag/catchphrase #fulltiki. Now, we were quite well-versed and aficionados of the tiki cocktail genre prior to this moment, but now our lifestyles decisions were to be immortalized with eight characters preceded by what our parents’ generation calls a “pound sign.”

To christen our newly found way to annoy our friends on social media, we organized an all-day tour of six of the Bay Area’s finest tiki establishments. Being the aforementioned nerds, we spent weeks researching, planning, arguing, and researching some more. Spreadsheets were built for budgeting and logistics. Maps studied, routes optimized, and menus scoured. We kept reminding ourselves, this was *full* and not *partial* tiki. Thor Heyerdahl probably deliberated less before embarking on the Kon-Tiki Expedition. When the tour was ready to ship (pun intended), we invited five good friends and counted down the days while making a playlist with way too much Martin Denny.

For transportation we used a 1985 Lincoln Town Car baby-stretch limousine. Long story short, we purchased this beautiful 6000 pound piece of American engineering [sic] for use on adventures such as this one. You should never drive after visiting a tiki bar, let alone six of them, so we sought professional assistance in this arena. One of the most unique postings on TaskRabbit was used to hire a driver for the day. I really hope we make their holiday video or something. Our “rabbit” was more than phenomenal—I still do not understand how she was able to parallel park our limo within a block of each bar…all day.

Alright, let’s sail.

STOP #1: Kona Club (Oakland, CA)

This was the first bar to open its doors for the day. A nice quiet (at 2:30pm at least) watering hole on Piedmont Avenue. There is plenty of seating and we grabbed a large table in the back to enjoy our multiple punch bowls—with requisite fire. The bowls were all delicious and a perfect way to start off the tour. Kona Club’s interior is filled with tiki kitsch, in a very good way. Six punch bowls later, we emerge squinting into the bright Oakland sun, ready to continue our tour.

STOP #2: Trader Vic’s (Emeryville, CA)

Trader Vic’s is an institution; a religious pilgrimage for disciples of the tiki. For all intents and purposes, proprietor Victor Bergeron started this whole tiki thing at his original bar on San Pablo Avenue in Oakland back in 1934. A few years earlier, in Los Angeles, Donn Beach opened the almost analogous Don the Beachcomber Bar and spent much of his career in a dispute with Bergeron over who invented the Mai Tai. While the true origins may be lost to the annals of time, everyone can agree that Trader Vic’s has humongous historical relevance. Naturally, we order a round of Mai Tais and enjoy the view of the Emery Cove Yacht Harbor. Over the last eight decades, Trader Vic’s has evolved into a global corporation but the original charm can still be felt under layers of gloss and contrived pan-Asian cuisine.

STOP #3: Forbidden Island (Alameda, CA)

This is the only tiki bar on our tour that is actually on an island. Not quite the South Pacific, but Alameda is exotic enough. Forbidden Island is situated in a quiet residential neighborhood with a small and sunny patio. We order a couple Virgin Sacrifices, a large bowl drink replete with chanting and pyro-theatrics. I can’t seem to find the National Geographic issue on this, but I’m certain its a highly accurate representation of Polynesian ritual. We augment our bowls with a sampling of various classics such as a Painkiller and Three Dots and a Dash, all of which are highly executed and delectable. The food here is an average assortment of chicken fingers, fried wontons, mozzarella sticks, corn dogs, etc. But trust me, this is exactly what you want after half a day of #fulltiki.

STOP #4: Smuggler’s Cove (San Francisco, CA)

Mecca. As far I’m concerned, this is the best rum bar in America, and definitely one of the best bars in any genre worldwide. It is one of my favorite bars in the city and I am not alone in my convictions—just check out the crowds any night of the week. We got very lucky at 8pm on a Saturday to snag seating for our entire group in the basement bar area. A sampling of classic and original cocktails were ordered; all were very delicious but the standout for me was the Pupule. If you only go to one tiki bar, make it this one. Hell, if you only go to one bar in San Francisco, you should probably still make it this one.

STOP #5: Tonga Room and Hurricane Bar (San Francisco, CA)

This establishment tucked away in the basement of the Fairmont Hotel is certainly resting on its laurels. At one point in time, this was the place to see and be seen. I like to imagine the cocktails were more respectable back then, but who knows. This is one of those “you go for the ambiance and entertainment” type places, so basically Benihana’s. There are simulated rainstorms every 20 minutes, a cover band with a high-level of fedoras, and a small dance floor. Various uninteresting punch bowls were ordered along with a smattering of “Asian” food that makes P.F. Changs look like a James Beard hopeful.

STOP #6: Trad’r Sam’s (San Francisco, CA)

Trad’r Sam’s benefits from the theory of trickle down economics. This is the cheapest of all the stops, and the drinks are probably the stiffest. Actually the drinks are so affordable and strong its worrisome to me the ATM even lets you take out more than $40 at a time. The punch bowls are served in clear plastic bowls rather than ornate ceramic. Alas, a tiki bar for the young upstarts. But as Beau so accurately said, “sometimes tiki is wearing that lampshade on your head.” This was a perfect place to end the tour.

Success! We did it. We went #fulltiki. We have pleased the tiki gods (Victor Bergeron and Donn Beach) and will enjoy a future flush with Navy Grogs and Coconut Shrimp.

Now, go forth and #fulltiki.