Since the astonishing election of 56 SNP MPs to the UK Parliament last May, the Unionist media – suddenly deprived of a whole contacts book full of friendly Scottish Labour bench-warmers ready to feed it cosy stories over a boozy expenses lunch in Whitehall – has raked through every bin and gutter in the land looking for anything (however pathetic) that it can try to puff up, distort, and rope into service as “dirt” on each of the Nat members, in an attempt to discredit them and the party.

So let’s just have a little look in here and – YIKES!

This could take some time.

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Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh

CHARGE: Was trustee of a charity.

VERDICT: Was indeed trustee of a charity, which has given thousands of pounds to worthy recipients. No wrongdoing of any sort took place, and both the Herald and the Daily Record subsequently published apologies for any implications to the contrary.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. Resigned position the day after her election.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Richard Arkless

CHARGE: Sells lightbulbs for extra income.

VERDICT: Arkless does indeed hold shares in a business called LED Warehouse, owning 15% of the company. The Register Of Members’ Interests does not specify whether those shares have paid any dividends, so we don’t know whether Arkless has actually received any money from them.

The Mail has been obsessed with the “second jobs” of SNP MPs for months, repeating basically the same story about the same people at least FIVE times between September 2015 and January 2016 – all but one of them as the front-page lead – and Arkless has always featured.

The sole justification is a comment made in February last year by SNP MP Pete Wishart, at a time when the SNP only held six Westminster seats, in which Wishart said of members’ earnings that “There should be no second jobs, no paid directorships, no outside interests with a financial return”.

That’s a line which has been used to batter Wishart’s colleagues ever since the election a few weeks later, but it appears to have been a purely personal opinion. There’s no evidence that it was ever official SNP policy – the only relevant statement ever published is that the party’s MPs should “treat their position as a full-time commitment, with an attendance and work-rate commensurate with that status”, which clearly doesn’t exclude holding shares in a company.

Accusing other MPs of “hypocrisy” because they don’t hold the same view as Pete Wishart about something is therefore a bit of a stretch. Certainly, it’s categorically not true to say – as the Mail does – that Richard Arkless “pledged not to” have a second source of income if elected as an MP. He said no such thing.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. He’s still a director, but the company was formed long before his election. We don’t believe it’s compulsory to sell your shares if you become an MP.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Hannah Bardell

No reported scandals as yet. (The best the press has managed is pointing out that Bardell had to give her Commons oath twice after getting it wrong the first time. Frankly we’re a bit disappointed the Mail didn’t whip it up into “Mad Nat Disrespects Queen”.)

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Mhairi Black

CHARGE: Is not really working class. Parents live in a nice area and everything.

VERDICT: Iain Martin of CapX, who is also from Black’s home town of Paisley, is absolutely obsessed with her class, writing at least three separate articles about it. But as the MP has never actually claimed to be working class, we’re not sure why.

Black was also attacked in the Daily Express for tweets she posted as a child.

MP AT THE TIME OF THE INCIDENT? No.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Ian Blackford

CHARGE: Lets out holiday cottages for rent.

VERDICT: Another “second jobs” story. See Richard Arkless. Blackford does indeed part-own a couple of holiday cottages which bring in some money for his wife. According to the Register Of Members’ Interests he himself makes no money from the business and spends no time working for it.

The MP is also chair of the Golden Charter Trust, a job which earns him what the Mail unfailingly describes as “the equivalent of £777 an hour” in order to emphasise the amount of money while also concealing the fact that he only spends 37 minutes a week (or just over five minutes a day) on his work for the Trust.

We would hazard that anyone in “full-time” employment could find that amount of time in a week without it impacting on their ability to do their day job.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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CHARGE 2: Has links to a business which makes direct-marketing calls.

VERDICT: The company had received a single-figure number of complaints about “cold calling” – an issue Blackford has spoken against – and improved its practices to eliminate problems. It now has a green rating from the Information Commissioner’s Office, which oversees the industry. It was not censured and no penalties were imposed.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. The business predates his election.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Kirsty Blackman

CHARGE: Expenses outrage.

VERDICT: A few weeks ago the Daily Star made Blackman the lead in a Westminster expenses story because she claimed the grand total of £17 for hot water and heating in her London accommodation. We know a lot of people think MPs have a pampered lifestyle, but we suspect even the harshest critic would accept they were entitled to heating and hot water.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT: Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Phil Boswell

CHARGE: Received legal tax-free loan from employer.

VERDICT: Boswell did indeed receive a tax-free loan of over £18,000 from his previous employer, who have not as yet requested it to be repaid. He subsequently highlighted in Parliament the loophole in the law which makes it possible to reduce tax liabilities with such loans. According to The Scotsman, “there is no suggestion Mr Boswell has done anything illegal”.

(The headline also implies that £18,000 is the amount of tax that has been avoided. In fact the maximum tax payable on the sum were it to have been paid as normal salary would be less than half that – 45%, or £8,100.)

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. The loan predated his election.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

FOOTNOTE: The Scottish Mail On Sunday subsequently published an allegation from a defeated Liberal Democrat candidate in another constituency that Boswell and his wife had received illegal dividend payments of almost £125,000 from his company Boswell and Johnston Ltd. (The company has no website and we haven’t managed to determine the nature of its business.)

Curiously, despite the size of the sum involved no other newspapers picked up the story, and there have been no reports of any investigation into the claim.

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Deidre Brock

No reported scandals as yet. (But was born in Australia and ISN’T EVEN SCOTTISH, the separatist hypocrite.)

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Alan Brown

No reported scandals as yet. (But has worn a t-shirt over a normal shirt in the Great Hall at Westminster, which is definitely a fashion crime and possibly treason.)

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Lisa Cameron

CHARGE: Owns property.

VERDICT: Despite repeated mentions of “former council homes”, Cameron bought the houses from private owners, not local authorities, and also inherited one from her own granny. To the best of our knowledge the SNP has no policy against MPs (or anyone else for that matter) owning property.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Douglas Chapman

Joanna Cherry

Ronnie Cowan

Angela Crawley

Martyn Day

Martin Docherty

Stuart Donaldson

Marion Fellows

Margaret Ferrier

Stephen Gethins

No reported scandals as yet. But Chapman supports Hibs, Cherry is possibly an alcoholic, Cowan’s father is anti-English, Crawley might be a lesbian, Day is openly ginger, Docherty wants to leave Britain defenceless against attack from space monsters, Donaldson was born in 1991 which is just ridiculous, Fellows may be a vampire, Ferrier still wants independence despite losing the referendum, and Gethins has links to arms dealers.

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Patricia Gibson

CHARGE: Expenses outrage.

VERDICT: The Daily Record accused Gibson of a “spending spree” when she recorded higher expenses than any other MP in the first three-month declaration period of the new Parliament. It’s not until several paragraphs down the article that the reason is revealed – she paid her accommodation and office rent upfront for a year, SAVING taxpayers money by getting a discount for doing so.

(Gibson was also attacked in The Sun for claiming a £3.20 train ticket home after she’d spent the day taking part in a charity walk to raise money for a cervical cancer support group, the vile monster.)

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Patrick Grady

Peter Grant

No reported scandals as yet. But Grady openly admits to having been indoctrinated as a child by Alex Salmond, and Grant says that London makes him sick, probably because he’s racist or something.

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Neil Gray

CHARGE: Hired brother-in-law.

VERDICT: Several SNP MPs (also including Richard Arkless and Ian Blackford – see above) were named as employing family members in a single Times article by Hamish Macdonell last October, which mysteriously cited salaries of “up to” various oddly-precise figures such as £24,727.

There are no rules at Westminster against employing family members, nor does the SNP have any policy against it, and Gray’s brother-in-law – who serves as his office manager – isn’t even a blood relative.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Drew Hendry

CHARGE: Is honorary chairman of a company he formed.

VERDICT: The “second jobs” story again. See Richard Arkless.

Hendry only gets a passing mention in the piece, for what appears to be an advisory role in digital marketing firm Teclan, which Hendry founded in 1999. The Register Of Members’ Interests declares a shareholding, but no logged hours of work or income.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. The company predates Hendry’s election.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Stewart Hosie

CHARGE: Knows someone who might or might not be Islamophobic.

VERDICT: Despite his having been an MP for 11 years, the press appear not to have been able to find even the weakest dirt on the SNP’s deputy Westminster leader, so instead have tried a guilt-by-association angle. Dundee councillor Craig Melville, an “assistant” to Hosie, is alleged to have made some abusive comments to a Muslim colleague and has been suspended by the party pending the outcome of an inquiry.

There’s no suggestion whatsoever that Stewart Hosie had any knowledge of the comments, and no reason for the Daily Record to use his name in the headline. No other reports of the story did so.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5 (so far as Hosie is concerned).

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George Kerevan

CHARGE: Employs wife.

VERDICT: Kerevan only takes £27,000 (the median Scottish wage) of his MP salary despite being entitled to £74,000. However he also employs his wife as an assistant for £20,000. This is entirely permissible under Westminster rules.

In other words, in Mr and Mrs Kerevan the taxpayer gets two full-time employees for £47,000 instead of £94,000 – ie, half price. Whatever your opinion of their politics, that seems like an indisputable bargain, saving the public purse almost quarter of a million pounds over the parliamentary term.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Calum Kerr

No reported scandals as yet. (But only got a majority of 328, so probably cheated.)

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Chris Law

CHARGE: Owns shares in company.

VERDICT: Like Drew Hendry, Law gets a passing mention in the Daily Mail’s original “second jobs” piece from last September. His entry in the Register Of Members’ Interest records ownership of some shares in financial services company CMAL, but no logged hours of work or income for it.

Also like Hendry, the accusation is so feeble that the Mail didn’t bother to name Law again any of the three subsequent times it ran the same story, all in January 2016.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. The company predates Law’s election.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Stewart McDonald

Stuart McDonald

No reported scandals as yet. (But have almost the same name, which is stupid.)

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Callum McCaig

No reported scandals as yet. (But was too lazy to get a real job.)

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Natalie McGarry

CHARGE: May or may not have fully accounted for an undetermined amount of money among sums donated to Women For Independence.

VERDICT: As far as we can establish, McGarry still hasn’t been questioned by police almost three months later. (Our FOI request was rejected by Police Scotland.) No money at all has as yet been definitively identified as having been “lost”, let alone as much as £30,000. However, McGarry did make a payment to WFI of £6,000, although it didn’t involve any admission of wrongdoing.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. All events preceded McGarry’s election.

SCANDAL RATING: 1/5 (for the £6,000).

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Anne McLaughlin

CHARGE: Hired boyfriend. See Neil Gray.

VERDICT: McLaughlin hired her partner to help local community groups two days a week. As the MP and her boyfriend aren’t married and don’t live together, under Westminster rules the matter doesn’t even have to be declared. McLaughlin declared it anyway and requested it be published on the members’ register, but Parliamentary authorities refused to because it wasn’t eligible.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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John McNally

CHARGE: Does haircuts on Saturdays in his barber shop.

VERDICT: The Mail’s well-worn “second jobs” story. See Richard Arkless.

McNally’s second job is almost farcical, emanating from four hours’ work on Saturday mornings cutting hair in his barber shop in Denny. Even though the job involves interacting with constituents, the Mail apparently regards this as a serious impairment on his ability to perform his MP duties.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. Barber job precedes election.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Angus MacNeil

CHARGE: Expenses outrage.

VERDICT: MacNeil was described by the Mirror as “shameless” and “pennypinching” for claiming £129 for computer repairs. We’re reasonably sure that fixing broken office equipment is one of the things MPs’ expenses are specifically meant for.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Carol Monaghan

No reported scandals as yet. But has been accused of “deplorable” behaviour in the Commons.

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Paul Monaghan

CHARGE: Dislikes the Union Jack, is a republican.

VERDICT: Monaghan does seem to dislike the UK flag and the concept of monarchy. As far as we know neither of those opinions is illegal, nor even especially unpopular. The last time we polled on the subject 25% of Scots wanted the monarchy abolished and another 10% weren’t sure.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. The tweets were from 2013.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Roger Mullin

Gavin Newlands

No reported scandals as yet. (But Mullin was described as a “yob” and a “McManiac” by the Daily Mail for leaning on a box and Newlands has infringed the intellectual property of JK Rowling.)

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John Nicolson

CHARGE: Owns house in London that has increased in value.

VERDICT: The house has indeed increased in value, after decades of restoration work carried out by Nicolson himself, having bought it as a ruin while working in television. The MP lives in it when working in the capital, saving taxpayers money on second-home or hotel expenses.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Brendan O’Hara

CHARGE: Failed to declare dormant company on register of members’ interests.

VERDICT: O’Hara set up a TV production company in 2009, which never traded or earned any money and is now legally dormant, but under parliamentary rules still has to be declared. Westminster authorities accepted O’Hara had simply misunderstood the rules and took no action, but the Herald led page 2 with it anyway.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Kirsten Oswald

No reported scandals as yet. (But can’t even brainwash her own husband.)

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Steven Paterson

CHARGE: Was once a student.

VERDICT: No misdeeds uncovered.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT: No

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Angus Robertson

No reported scandals as yet. (But does have middle names “Struan Carolus”.)

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Alex Salmond

CHARGE: Wrote book and newspaper columns.

VERDICT: Another character in the Mail’s “second jobs” crusade. Salmond, of course, DOES actually have a second job – he’s an MSP as well as an MP. But the dual role was obtained with the full advance knowledge of the electorate. The voters of Gordon were aware that Salmond was already MSP for the same area (now known at Holyrood as Aberdeenshire East) when he stood in May 2015, and elected him anyway.

Salmond will stand down as MSP at this May’s election, and already donates both his MSP salary and his First Minister’s pension to the Mary Salmond Trust, a charity set up in memory of his late mother.

The Mail also protests angrily that Salmond receives income from writing newspaper columns and a book, giving speeches (with the proceeds also going to charities) and hosting a weekly radio phone-in show on LBC. But all concern political issues, and are not unusual pursuits for MPs.

The ex-First Minister has spoken very frequently at Westminster since his re-election, but has been heard from little at Holyrood, not wishing to upstage his successor.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 1/5 (for Holyrood appearance levels).

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Tommy Sheppard

CHARGE: Met person who may or may not be connected to Hamas.

VERDICT: Sheppard, along with Corri Wilson (see below) met a pro-Palestinian activist called Zaher Birawi who has been accused by one political organisation of being linked to the terrorist group Hamas.

Mr Birawi strongly denies the accusation. He has been a UK citizen since the 1990s and is not wanted by any anti-terrorist authorities.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Christopher Stephens

Alison Thewliss

No reported scandals as yet. (But Stephens may not signal a total break with past structures and Thewliss despises all the traditions that make Britain great.)

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Michelle Thomson

CHARGE: Bought and sold some houses, made profit.

VERDICT: Thomson did indeed buy and sell some houses and make profits from selling them on, though some of the sellers have subsequently – having raised no protests at the time – complained that they would have liked to have been paid more for them.

Some irregularities around some of the purchases led to the striking-off of solicitor Christopher Hales, but as yet there’s nothing whatsoever to suggest Thomson was party to any wrongdoing. As far as we can establish (as with Natalie McGarry, Police Scotland refused our FOI request), the MP has still not been questioned by police in connection with the matter, four months after the “story” broke in the press.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? No. The sales all predate Thomson’s election.

SCANDAL RATING: 1/5 (for Hales).

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Owen Thompson

No reported scandals as yet. (But he reckons he’s harder than you.)

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Mike Weir

CHARGE: Didn’t declare charitable donations quickly enough.

VERDICT: In fact Weir complied fully with the rules. The Herald’s article is based on bad arithmetic and a clumsy misunderstanding of changes which didn’t apply until last May’s general election. No apology has been published that we know of.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Eilidh Whiteford

No reported scandals as yet. (But she overthrew the First Minister of Scotland.)

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Philippa Whitford

CHARGE: Covered for other NHS surgeons during her holidays.

VERDICT: Vile separatist saved lives of cancer patients – FOR MONEY!

MP AT TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Corri Wilson

CHARGE: Hired son as case worker. See Neil Gray.

VERDICT: As with Gray, no rules have been broken.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 0/5.

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Pete Wishart

CHARGE: Earns royalties from Runrig records.

VERDICT: And so the story comes full circle. Wishart, source of the original “second jobs” quote the Scottish Daily Mail has somehow screwed numerous front-page lead stories out of, is the former keyboard player of teuchter-rock band Runrig, best known for their cover of traditional folk song “Loch Lomond” which was re-recorded and released for “Children In Need” in 2012.

Wishart remains an unpaid director of the band and still receives royalties from his time as a member, which was enough for the Mail to accuse him of falling foul of his own rule about “outside interests with a financial return”.

MP AT THE TIME OF INCIDENT? Yes.

SCANDAL RATING: 1/5. Okay, it might only be 20 quid now and again and obviously not interfere with his Parliamentary duties in any way, but by having made such an unequivocal and un-nuanced original statement Wishart pretty much asked for it.

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So let’s recap.

NUMBER OF SNP MPs ELECTED: 56

NUMBER NAMED SO FAR IN NEWSPAPER “SCANDALS”: 28

NUMBER OF CASES OF ACTUAL PROVEN WRONGDOING: 0

NUMBER OF CASES OF POSSIBLE WRONGDOING, UNPROVEN: 2

(Thomson, McGarry)

It’s not much of a strike rate. The press has thrown an entire Glastonbury of mud and so far hasn’t scored a single hit. But we’ll keep you posted, folks.