Naples, Italy

Out for a late night cioccolata with my handsome Italian companion, he suddenly leaned forward to kiss me. Finalmente! I had heard about how romantic Italian men are, and now I was being given a chance to test the theory. Fortunately, my charming companion was a talented kisser and did not disappoint. Alas for my cioccolata, it went unfinished!

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Fast forward a few months. I had been the recipient of endless kisses; soulful looks (oh, those Italian eyes!); moonlit nights looking out over il Mediterraneo; and lessons on how to say important things like, "amore," and "il mio ragazzo." During one of our Italian lessons, I had the chance to return the favor and drive him as crazy as he'd been driving me.

Me: Amore, I seem to have a hard time keeping the words for juice, sugar, soup, and pumpkin straight. Especially pumpkin. Could you remind me what they are?

Him: Juice is succo, sugar is zucchero, soup is zuppa, and pumpkin is zucca.

I frowned.

Me: But if you mean 'pumpkin', why don't you just say 'pumpkin'?

Him: . . .

Me: Gotcha!

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Ah, Italia — home of so much art, history, and worldly influence! I love to eat your food, visit your volcanoes, take in your art, be wowed by your history — and drive your people insane!

Below are other ways you can encourage the Italians you know and love to emote dramatically using a gesture known as The Facepalm™. If you're very good at it, you might even elicit an "O, dio!" and a look toward the heavens.

Driving Your Italian Lover Crazy:

– When discussing politics say, "What do Italians know about democracy?" (For bonus points add, "Everyone knows it was invented in the US!")

– Some point during every romantic interlude, burst into song with That's Amore.

– Say, "Yeah, it's good, but French wine is better."

– Enter a McDonald's in Italy and try to pay in dollars. Insist, "It's an AMERICAN restaurant, fercryinoutloud!"

– Douse all your food with ketchup.

– Shriek, "Don't you people have any idea how to drive?!"

– Apply pronounciation rules you learned in high school Spanish class: "Feh-tah-SEE-nee!"

– Ask if he'd like to pack some "paninis" and go on a picnic.*

– Cut your spaghetti with a knife.

– Put tomatoes and mozzarella in the refrigerator. Be forceful — who cares about flavor? We're talking hygiene, people!

– Insist that mozzarella is cheese.**

– Frequently tell your lover that you look forward to the day when you can move together to a country that knows a little something about civilization.

*Un panino, due panini. Saying "paninis" is like saying "sandwicheses."

**No, seriously. To Italians, it's something above and beyond cheese. Just because it's a meltable dairy product made with enzymes does NOT make it cheese. This issue has no shelf life — you can go on about it forever!

Cupid, whose head apparently exploded when he read the above list.

The possibilities are endless! I mean, yeah, yeah, flowers and candlelit dinners are nice, but if you REALLY seek passion and romance, just study the culture. You are guaranteed to bring out the craziness!

Baci e abbracci!

(ps: He seems to like me despite all this. Maybe he was crazy to begin with. ;)